A Dungeon Tycoon’s Guide to Undead Capitalism

Chapter 125: Eddie-Wow


He stared at the corpses of his men, his voice cracking as he whispered, "Too late. All too late."

He sat back in the cage, shaking, unsure of what fate awaited him. Whatever it was, he doubted it would be mercy.

The cage creaked faintly as Kenji shifted, sitting upright, trying to mask the tremor in his voice. His amber eyes darted from one kobold to another, judging, weighing. He was a foxkin, after all — deception was second nature.

Orkesh folded his arms, watching quietly, letting the silence stretch until it pressed against the prisoner like a vice. Finally, he said, voice even, "Tell us why you're here."

Kenji forced a smirk, though it faltered around the edges. "Why am I here? Maybe I just stumbled in. Maybe I wanted to shop at this so-called market of yours."

Misha scoffed. "Shop? With fifty armed men at your back? Don't mock us."

Kenji's ears twitched. "You call it mocking. I call it… trade negotiations."

The kobolds muttered among themselves, rolling their eyes. Manicia stepped closer, her hands on her hips. "Stop playing clever. We know you foxkin pride yourselves on words, twisting them until they strangle the truth. But we aren't the fools you think we are."

Kenji leaned forward, gripping the bars, trying to sound confident. "If you're so sure you know me, then why ask questions at all? Decide I'm lying, call me guilty, and be done with it. But don't expect me to hand you my throat."

Orkesh's voice cut through the tension like a blade. Calm, measured, but sharp. "We don't need your words to cut your throat. The undead don't bargain. They rip through flesh, bone, and memory. If you don't tell us, the lich will simply peel open your mind and take what he wants."

Kenji froze. His smirk collapsed. "Lich?! That… that's just superstition."

Orkesh leaned down, close enough that Kenji could see the cold gleam in his eyes. "Is it? Then by all means, wait until you're chained to the ritual stone. You'll find out soon enough how real the superstition is."

A chill ran down Kenji's spine. He tried to keep up his defiance, but his words cracked. "It's better to die than… than have my soul enslaved."

Mina tilted her head, her voice deceptively sweet. "Then die here and now, fox. Or tell us the truth and maybe you'll walk free. Choice is yours."

Kenji's hands shook as he gripped the bars harder. His voice rose, desperate now. "Fine! Fine, damn it. We were commissioned. A merchant company. Stonehorn Crossing. Paid us to raid this place and hit Rogina's caravans."

The kobolds exchanged grim looks.

Manicia sneered. "Figures. Cowards with coins. Always them."

Orkesh didn't let him rest. "How did you open the main entrance? Answer."

Kenji's jaw tightened. He swallowed, tail flicking nervously. "It… it was already open."

Manicia barked a laugh. "Lie."

Kenji's ears flattened. "I— I had a key. Found it on one of your skeletons."

Misha's growl rattled the air. "Lie again."

Kenji's breathing turned shallow. "I—"

Orkesh's tone dropped to a near whisper, colder than before. "Foxkin. You think your secrets matter? The Lich doesn't need you to speak. He'll wrench it from your soul. All your tricks, all your precious foxkin arts, laid bare. If you want even the smallest chance to live, then speak now. Otherwise…" He let the threat hang in the air.

Kenji cracked. His voice broke into a shout. "It was the Qualscoo crystal!"

The kobolds leaned in. Orkesh arched a brow. "Explain."

Kenji spat the words, bitter and furious. "It's a crystal — a cursed thing. Disrupts mana flow. Breaks seals, shatters wards. It doesn't care if stone or steel, all of it unravels under its influence. Only foxkin can handle it, our mana resonates differently. That's how we break noble safes, temple locks, even your market's doors. Every foxkin bandit worth his tail carries one."

He slumped back, defeated. "There. You wanted the truth, you got it. You happy now?"

Manicia snorted. "No, but at least you look less smug."

Orkesh straightened. His voice was flat, pragmatic. "You'll answer to the Lich himself. It was his domain you dared trespass."

Kenji's eyes widened. "Wait, no! You said— you promised if I told you, I'd live!"

Orkesh's tone didn't shift. "We promised nothing. Your fate isn't ours to decide. We'll pass your words along. He will decide."

The kobolds turned away, dragging the bunk beds back toward their quarters.

Kenji's voice broke into a scream. "What's going to happen to me?! Tell me!"

Orkesh paused at the doorway, glancing back with a cool gaze. "If I had to guess? Perhaps he'll use you as a spy. That would be merciful. Or…" His eyes flicked toward the pile of corpses in the distance. "…you'll join your men. Another body, another set of hands for the workforce."

Kenji slumped to the cage floor, ears drooping, tail limp.

That's it. It's over. They'll twist me into one of their puppets. No foxkin trick will save me. What good are lies, when they can see straight into my soul? Gods… fifty gold, that's all it took to damn me. A fortune, they said. A lifetime of comfort. Too good to be true. Always too good. And Garruk… fool that he was… he dragged us into hell itself. Maybe… maybe death would have been better. At least then, my soul would be free. But if they turn me… if they chain me to their will… I'll never be Kenji again. Just another hollow smile in their market. Just another monster serving tea.

A small, rotund figure — no taller than a child — waddled forward. Gleaming metal arms swung like stubby pendulums, its rounded head fitted with bright glowing "eyes" that blinked in sync with its voice.

"Attention, organic lifeforms!" the little automaton chirped, voice bubbly. "Designation E-D179 — but you can call me Eddie! (^▽^)ノ Isn't that way cooler? My boss thought of it himself! He's sooo good at naming things."

The kobolds blinked. Manicia muttered under her breath, "What in the hells…"

Eddie planted both tiny hands on his sides, then whirled around dramatically, pointing at the two massive abominations in the room. "And THESE two lugnuts were supposed to be watching the door! (╬ Ò﹏Ó) Seriously, you had ONE job!"

The Corpse King grunted low, avoiding eye contact. The 60-foot Cerberus machine merely groaned, vents releasing a lazy hiss of steam.

Eddie stomped a stubby metal foot. "Don't you 'grrr' at me! You made a MESS, and now I'm the one who has to clean it! ヽ(≧Д≦)ノ"

The kobolds… had no words. They stared, wide-eyed, at the bizarre little being, clearly trying to decide whether to laugh or cry.

Finally, Orkesh cleared his throat and stepped forward. "We… uh… we're the living employees here. Been working under him for, what, nearly two months now."

Eddie spun on him, eyes flickering brighter, then let out a cheerful beep. "Ohhhh! The organics! (。♥‿♥。) I've been meaning to meet you guys. My boss says you're reliable and—uhhh…" He tilted his head side to side. "Smell nice? I didn't understand that part, but sure, why not."

The kobolds exchanged uneasy looks. Mina whispered to Misha, "What is this thing? It's… it's smaller than the kids."

As if on cue, the children — who had been hiding in the corner — peeked through the half-opened door. The moment they heard Eddie's squeaky, playful voice, their eyes lit up.

"It's so cute!" one of them squealed. Then all five of the kobold children rushed forward, tails wagging, claws outstretched.

Eddie froze, flailing his arms. "Uhhh, incoming tiny bold creatures! ヽ(゚〇゚)ノ Whoa whoa whoa—what are they doing?! HELP! HELP! Am I being attacked?!"

The kids swarmed him, tugging his stubby arms, patting his shiny head, and giggling like mad. Eddie spun his head left and right in panic, lights flickering. "Waaait, what are these?! Miniature beastkin? Baby mercenaries?! (⊙_☉) Somebody explain before they gnaw my servos off!"

The children clung to Eddie, their giggles echoing across the cavern. The automaton froze in panic, his glowing eyes flickering wildly between red, blue, and green.

"ALERT, ALERT!" Eddie shouted in a tinny voice, arms lifted stiffly as two kobold pups dangled from them like trophies. "Unknown hostiles have latched onto my chassis! Deploying… uh… oh no, I don't have countermeasures against tickling! (≧ロ≦)"

The kids squealed with laughter, tugging at his metal plates and trying to climb on top of his round head.

"Stop, stop—your claws are like tiny daggers of doom! (x_x)" Eddie whimpered dramatically.

Manicia pressed a hand to her snout, half-laughing despite herself. "They're just children, you dumb little… whatever you are."

The kobold mothers rushed in, prying their young ones off him one by one. Misha scolded sharply, "What did I tell you about running toward strangers?!"

"But mama," one pup protested, eyes bright with wonder, "it's shiny and funny!"

Eddie straightened up once freed, spinning his head a full 360 degrees with a metallic whirr. "Funny?! I'll have you know I am an advanced maintenance automatoid! Model E-D179! (`Д´*) But… uh…" He looked down at the children, eyes dimming bashfully. "If funny gets me friends, then maybe… being funny isn't so bad. (´。• ᵕ •。)"

The children giggled again, and one of them waved shyly. "Hi, Eddie."

Eddie froze, then lifted both stubby arms in triumph. "Hiiii, tiny organic! (≧▽≦)ノ OH my circuits, I've been acknowledged! This is my best day since my oil change!"

The adults blinked at each other, still trying to decide whether this thing was harmless or dangerously unpredictable.

Orkesh rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "So… you're really one of the boss's… staff?"

Eddie puffed out his chest — or as much as his round frame allowed. "Correctamundo! My boss said, and I quote: 'Eddie, you're small, squeaky, and probably useless in a fight — but you're MY small, squeaky, probably useless helper.' (╥﹏╥) And I've never been prouder!"

The kobolds stared, speechless.

Eddie spun dramatically, pointing again at the Corpse King and the giant Cerberus unit, both of whom loomed silently in the background. "Meanwhile, THESE two were assigned as my bodyguards. (¬_¬ ) Useless! Can you believe it? Look at all this mess! Intestines everywhere! Who's gonna scrub that, huh? Not them, oh noooo. Guess who?!"

"...You?" Manicia guessed flatly.

"DING DING DING! ٩(╬ʘ益ʘ╬)۶ Give the lady a prize!" Eddie fumed, stamping his foot so hard his casing rattled.

The kobolds actually chuckled at that, some shaking their heads. It was absurd — here they were, surrounded by death and abominations, yet this tiny, ranting machine was acting like an overworked servant.

Finally, Eddie turned back toward the children, his tone softening. "So… uh… hey, tiny organics." His glowing eyes shifted to a warm golden hue. "You can call me Eddie, too. Okay? (。♥‿♥。)"

The pups nodded eagerly, tails wagging.

Misha crossed her arms, sighing. "Great. Now they're attached to it."

Eddie clapped his little hands, beaming. "Mission accomplished! I have new friends!

(づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ Friendship protocols engaged!"

The kobolds groaned in unison, though some couldn't help but smile.

Two kobold pups clung to Eddie's stubby arms as he zoomed in circles across the cavern, his tiny wheels whirring underneath his round body. Three others chased after him, tails wagging, yipping with laughter.

"WHEEEEEE! (≧▽≦)" Eddie cried, arms out like wings as if he were flying. "Welcome aboard Flight Eddie! Please fasten your tails and prepare for turbulence! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧"

The children squealed, bouncing on him as he zigzagged and swerved dramatically, narrowly missing a pile of bunk beds.

"Catch me if you can, ground units! (ง'̀-'́)ง"

"Eddie! Faster!" one pup shouted, giggling as he clung to the top of the automaton's head.

"Negative, tiny passenger! My engine will overheat! (@_@;)" Eddie squeaked, but immediately sped up anyway, nearly toppling over as the other three pups tackled his sides in a playful ambush.

The kobold mothers looked half-amused, half-terrified. Manicia muttered, "By the gods, the little thing is going to kill them all by accident."

Orkesh, arms crossed, shook his head with a bewildered smile. "At least they're laughing. That's rare, these days."

Still, his gaze shifted to the foxkin in the cage. Kenji sat slumped against the bars, staring at the floor with hollow eyes, refusing to look up. The sight pulled Orkesh back to reality.

"Eddie," Orkesh said carefully, "what do we… do about him?"

Eddie screeched to a halt, kids dangling from his arms like ragdolls. His glowing eyes flashed crimson for a second. "Oh, him." He tilted his head, gears clicking. "If it were up to me… I'd convert him into a machine. (¬‿¬ ) Imagine it! A shiny new maintenance unit! He could polish the floors with his tongue, lubricate the gears with his tears… ohhh, glorious efficiency! (≖‿≖)"

The kobolds froze. Even the kids paused, sliding off Eddie's arms and backing toward their mothers. A chill ran through the group, none of them truly understanding what Eddie meant, but all of them sensing something sinister in his cheerful tone.

"Y-you're joking, right?" Mina stammered.

Eddie blinked, then clapped his hands together. "Of course I'm joking! (≧▽≦)ゞ Ha-ha-ha! Just kidding! Relax, organics! No one's getting recycled today! Well… maybe."

The kobolds let out nervous chuckles, but their tails were stiff, ears twitching.

Eddie spun, pointing his stubby finger accusingly at the Corpse King, who still loomed nearby, silently piling corpses. "The big lug is the one who spared him anyway! (ಠ益ಠ) Not me! I'd have recycled him already! But until Boss wakes up, I guess the prisoner stays in his little cage. ¯\(ツ)/¯"

Kenji finally lifted his head, eyes wide with disbelief. He had expected cruelty, but not this strange blend of mockery and casual dismissal. Somehow, the idea of being "recycled" by a cheerful little machine was worse than the death he'd been preparing for.

Orkesh sighed, rubbing his snout. "So until the boss returns… we just wait."

Eddie saluted dramatically, puffing out his chest. "Correct! Stand by mode, everyone! And in the meantime—" He suddenly rolled forward, scooping up two pups again. "WHO WANTS ROUND TWO? ヽ(★ω★)ノ"

The children erupted into laughter once more, chasing him around the room, while the adults exchanged uneasy glances.

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