"So that's your sister-in-law," I said.

"Oh, come on, Bill," Varis said, turning to me and making a production of rolling her eyes.

"What?" I asked, trying to project innocence through the link.

I was working on a new thing. Trying to see if I could trick the link. Maybe have Varis think I was thinking something that wasn't what I was thinking at all. For all that the link seemed to work mostly on vibes and emotions and muscle memory when the two of us were in the middle of a fight rather than direct mind reading.

"I know you know exactly what the empress looks like," she said.

"Yeah, I suppose I do know exactly what the empress looks like," I said. "Kind of hard to miss it in all the propaganda stuff. Though she does look a little more pretty floating above us now than she does in those propaganda videos."

"I'm right here," the empress said, her voice booming out over the entire area.

Which had some of the captured soldiers crying out in dismay. It had some of Varis's soldiers shifting back and forth like they were uncomfortable. Even Selii looked like she wasn't sure if she should stand in defiance or look absolutely terrified.

I held a finger up at her worship.

"Sorry, could you hold on a moment? The adults are having a conversation here."

"Excuse me?" she snapped, her voice booming out across the whole area.

"Give us just one moment, please." I turned back to Varis. "I can sense that spike of annoyance and jealousy."

"You said she was prettier than in the propaganda videos."

"Well, yeah," I said. "The propaganda videos give her a literal horse nose."

"A horse nose?" Varis asked, arching an eyebrow.

"It's a creature with a long face that has four legs. Humans used them as their principal means of conveyance for a good chunk of history, but now people just ride them for fun."

She snorted. "They're comparing her to an animal?"

"Exactly," I said. "So when I say she's prettier than the propaganda videos we're talking a comparison that's already starting out pretty damn close to rock bottom."

"I can hear you," the empress said, and she sounded none too pleased about what she could hear.

I didn't even turn to look at her this time around.

"I said the adults were talking right now. Could you please hold on for a moment?"

The empress made some spluttering noises, but otherwise she seemed content to splutter angrily rather than trying to interrupt our conversation again.

"So you see, when I say that she looks prettier than the propaganda videos back on Earth? I totally mean she looks better than a depiction that shows her with a horse nose and a bunch of buck teeth. They like to depict her eating carrots and apples and stuff like that. There's even one comedian who does an impression of her where he acts like the empress is Mr. Ed."

"Who is this Mr. Ed?" Varis asked.

"It's a thing from ancient Earth that stuck in our culture for some reason. A television show about a talking horse."

"Horses can talk?" she asked.

"Well, Mr. Ed can talk, but it was all fake. I think they put peanut butter in his lips or something to make it look like he was talking, and then they did a voiceover. The point is, the whole comedy routine is really damn funny. 'Wilbur, go invade that sector over there! Wilbur, why aren't we dropping an asteroid on that colony world?' Stuff like that."

"I have no idea what any of that means."

"I promise if you knew a little bit more about human pop culture that would be hilarious."

"I'll have to take your word for it."

"Are you quite done insulting me?" the empress boomed. "And might I remind you that you are in my capital city on my planet in the middle of my empire?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm totally aware of that," I said, finally turning to look at her.

"Technically I'm the one who's supposed to be addressing the empress," Varis said.

"Do you want to be the one addressing the empress?" I asked, not looking over at her. I could already tell how she felt about that through the link.

She was worried. A little scared. Annoyed. Most of all, though, I got a feeling that seemed like a magnified version of the emotion I got growing up when I desperately wanted to avoid talking to Great Aunt Agnes at family gatherings because I couldn't stand the constant judgment from the hypocritical old harpy.

"Not really," she said.

A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

"So you're cool with me having a chat with her?"

"General, I would advise against that," Arvie said. "I have a feeling William is about to do something precipitous. Again."

"He does have a habit of doing that," Varis said, but the link carried mostly amusement and a little bit of pride.

"Does that mean I can have a chat with her?" I asked.

"Go ahead," she said.

Arvie audibly sighed from his mech. I grinned as I turned to the empress, though the grin was for frustrating Arvie. Not for her worship.

"Yeah, so you'll forgive me if I'm not all that worried about you trying to kill me, your worship," I said.

"Your worship?" she said.

"Yeah. Don't you want a fancy title or something? So I'm calling you 'your worship' to be respectful."

She looked off to the side. Her lips moved, but I couldn't hear what she was saying. A moment later, after a bit of conversation, she scowled.

"My advisers who are familiar with human culture tell me that's actually an insult from one of your movies."

"An insult?" I said, putting my hand over my heart and really playing it up. "You wound me."

"You mock me."

"Yeah, well you'll forgive me for not being all that afraid of you," I said. "I am four-zero so far in fighting your forces."

"That's it," she said. "I am making this communication because it has been impossible to reach the two of you any other way. I am announcing my intention of formally invading and claiming the territory and military units that are currently controlled by Varis t'Thal. I have started this formal process by sending my prince consort, who will be at the head of the invasion force and bring glory to my Ascendancy."

"The prince consort, huh?" I said, glancing over at all of the troops who were in the middle of kneeling and wailing in despair at their empress showing up live and in person to witness their humiliation.

"Yes," the empress said after a long pause.

"So what happens if your prince consort is defeated?"

She threw her head back and laughed. It was a megalomaniacal sort of cackle. The kind of thing that could only come from the sort of asshole who was used to exercising absolute power absolutely everywhere she looked.

Finally, she came down from that cackle. She looked down at me and blinked. I figured there was a point of livisk law here considering the way all those imperial troops had immediately surrendered once I'd met the prince consort's challenge and he was found wanting. It was tickling at something in the back of my mind.

"Out of curiosity, why do you ask?" she said.

"I was just curious. You'll notice that a lot of your troops have sort of surrendered."

"Yes, and we will deal with that," she said. "They wouldn't surrender like that unless the prince consort had been defeated in single combat and..."

I casually gestured to the medic who still held the stasis chamber. She'd turned several different shades of pale blue and looked like she wanted to be anywhere but standing right there holding the prince consort's head while the empress was looking down on the gathered assembly clearly in a mood to deal out a little bit of personal retribution.

Well, that was just tough for her. We all had our parts to play.

I also looked up and around. I noted that there were a bunch of small drones creating the projection that put the empress's face up there. There were also some drones that were obviously carrying speakers of some sort and drones that looked like they were capturing this moment.

"Is this being carried far and wide, Arvie?" I muttered.

"Yes, William," he also said low enough that only I could hear it through the speaker in my suit.

"Interesting," I said, taking the stasis chamber and holding it up so the empress could get a good look at it.

She stared down, squinting as she tried to get a look at the thing.

"What is... Gods above and hells below," she said, her eyes going wide in clear surprise.

"Is this the guy you sent out here to lead your little invasion?" I asked. "Because it looks like he didn't get the job done. Just like your nuke didn't get the job done. Just like your fighters and bombers didn't get the job done. Just like the last prince consort you sent to tangle with me didn't get the job done. This is the second one I've killed after all."

Her eyes narrowed even more. She started to hiss and splutter.

"A point of livisk law, William," Arvie said, and I realized he was talking fast.

"Defeating the prince consort means she has to fuck off?" I asked, also speeding things up without quite understanding how I was doing it. Just that I could do it just as easily as I could flip the empress the middle finger if I wanted.

"I… yes. That's it," Arvie said. "You've read up on livisk laws around invading noble territory?"

"Context clues, Arvie," I said. "And dealing with a bunch of sparkling blue supermodels whose civilization seems to operate on Klingon rules."

"Klingon rules?" he asked.

"Later," I said.

"How are you doing that?" Varis asked. Her eyes went wide as she realized she was effortlessly joining in on our sped up conversation. "Now that's interesting. Not as useful as the link…"

"But still pretty useful," I said, grinning at her.

"Arvie is right," she said. "You've defeated the prince consort in single combat. By all rights, that means the forces he led are defeated and at our mercy."

"And she's sending this out to the entire Livisk Ascendancy to attempt to force our hand, right?" I said.

"Right," Varis said.

"So here's hoping we can make that backfire on her."

"It is possible that she will avoid the honorable course of action," Arvie said, "The empress is known for being rather capricious."

"Yeah. I totally picked up on that," I said, looking at the death and destruction all around us.

I also figured this was the only chance we had in the immediate future to avoid even more death and destruction.

I wanted to destroy the empress as much as anyone else here. Okay, I probably wanted to destroy the empress far more than anyone else gathered here considering everybody else here had been raised under all the ridiculous Dear Leader bullshit that made her the next best thing to a goddess on this world.

That was a hard habit to break, but I figured I needed to stall for time. We weren't even close to ready. I hadn't even had a chance to start my plans, let alone weaken her to the point we could realistically take a shot at her.

The fact that I was reacting to her dropping a fucking A-bomb on our heads rather than going on the offensive was proof enough of that.

"So I've managed to defeat your boyfriend in single combat," I said. "I think that means you need to withdraw all of your forces that still actively under hostilities. And by the way, firing on a bunch of children who are trying to escape a bomb shelter? That wasn't very nice."

"Yeah, that wasn't very nice, you bitch!" Sera shouted from Arvie's mech.

I looked up at her and grinned. Varis winced just a little, but I could sense amusement coming through the link from her as well.

"From the mouths of babes," I said, chuckling and shaking my head.

I looked up to the empress and waited to see what it would be. If the rest of the livisk were like Varis then I figured that bit about attacking children might not tug at their heartstrings, but you never knew what was going to get through to somebody.

And in the meantime, I waited and wondered if this was going to be the beginning of the end. A battle that didn't topple the empress, but we would leave her with one sequel trilogy of a black eye? Or were we going to be given a chance to live and fight another day? Hopefully after some of my plans had been put into action and I'd weakened her to the point we could take her out.

I held my breath and waited for her response, knowing I might be dead in the next few hours or days if she hit us with the wrong answer.

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