"I don't wanna be a bother," said Teapot Azuki in a cutesy, sing-song voice, "but is tea really the biggest thing on your mind?"

Of course it was.

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound innocent. "Of course it is. What else would it be?"

Certainly not the fact that she was a goddamn tanuki who could shapeshift into every possible flavor of lingerie imaginable. Lace, silk, leather, cotton—Azuki could turn your thoughts into fabric and wear them just to watch you squirm.

As if on cue, she giggled. A sweet, smug little laugh that told me she already knew exactly what color my thoughts were.

"You want me to guess?" she asked.

At that moment, I wanted a whole mess of things.

None of them were wholesome.

"Hey, what do you know? Looks like the range is hot enough for tea," I said, pivoting toward the stove like I wasn't dying inside.

I braced for a smug retort.

"Really?" she beamed. "Awesome! It's Tanuki Tea Time!"

Whew. I thought she'd say something about being hot.

I reached out and grabbed her handle. Then paused. The coils on the stove were glowing red.

"You sure about this?" I asked. "This never ends well in the legends."

She chortled like I'd just said something adorable.

"Pfft. I'll be fine. Those are only legends," she said. "Besides, I'm made of porcelain. I'm heat resistant!"

I wanted to believe her.

"You sure? I'm gonna feel terrible if you get burned."

The coils hissed like a warning. I could feel the heat from two feet away.

"Inego," she said, full of confidence. "For the last time: trust the tanuki. Now, let's make tea."

Here goes nothing.

She didn't last a second.

The instant Teapot Azuki touched the burner, she let out a scream so loud I thought she'd turned into a banshee. Either that, or Mallory O'Toole, my Irish ex, and one-quarter banshee, had finally tracked me down to finish the job.

Azuki exploded back into her usual form mid-howl, still screaming, as she bolted in frantic circles around the Grave of the Fireflies Appreciation Kitchen.

"HOT!" she yelled, slapping a burn on her butt. "Inego! IT'S HOT! HELP!"

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No time for told you so.

I flipped the faucet on full blast, grabbed the flailing, red-hot tanuki, and dunked her straight into the sink.

The screaming stopped instantly.

Azuki sat there, steaming and stunned, glasses askew, hair a frizzy bob, eyes wide as saucers.

"Whatdoyaknow," she said breathlessly. "You were right!"

My face was every bit as red as her tanuki cheeks.

"Pul-eeze, Inego!" she begged. "You're my only hope!"

That was it.

"Oh no," I said, holding up a finger. "You do not get to quote Star Wars at me. Not after the stunt you pulled in the kitchen. I warned you what would happen."

She looked back at me over her shoulder, sprawled across her bed like a bratty anime pin-up that somehow didn't know what modesty was.

"And I already told you that you were right!" she whined. "I can't reach the burn myself!"

She wiggled.

Just a little.

Just enough to make sure I was fully aware of the twin bright red marks toasted across her poor tanuki butt.

I crossed my arms.

"You can't ask Yuki to put the ointment on?"

Azuki's shoulders dropped like I'd just insulted her intelligence.

"No! She's a ghost, duh!" she snapped. "Her fingers go right through stuff! She can't even hold the ointment!"

I winced.

"And the burn just happens to be right on your—"

"Yes!" she cut in, slapping a hand over her mouth to smother a giggle. "Yesh!"

Oh my god. I'm in hell.

She pointed toward her dresser with a dramatic little flourish. "It's right there."

I walked over and picked up the tube of ointment.

Then I noticed the drawer was open.

Her underwear drawer.

"Hey!" she chirped from the bed. "What do you think you're lookin' at?!"

I sighed.

"You did that on purpose," I said flatly.

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, right. It's not my fault you're a pervy perv."

I bit my tongue before I screamed.

"Azuki," I said slowly, like I was explaining nuclear safety protocol to a raccoon. "You've been messing with me like this all evening."

She batted her eyes, full gremlin mode engaged.

"Inego, pleaaaase. I need your help rubbing the ointment on my poor, scorched bottom, okay? Just a little help…"

I hate everything about this.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and tried, really tried, to be as clinical about it as I could.

Which, of course, was when she started rocking back and forth on her hips.

"Azuki," I said.

"Uh huh?" she replied, sweet as sugar.

She didn't stop.

"What are you doing?" I asked, already regretting it.

She shrugged.

"I'm waiting for you to be a good doctor and treat your patient."

I stood up immediately.

"No way," I said. "I'm not playing doctor with you!"

Then she laughed. Loud and unrepentant.

"What? Oh my gosh, it was a joke. Relax!" she said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "You're wound pretty tight, aren't you?"

I sat back down wondering if I was really that easy to play.

"Hey," she said.

I felt her put a hand on my shoulder.

"Seriously, I really appreciate this. Thank you," she said, squeezing it a bit.

I grinned.

What else was I supposed to do?

"Sure thing," I said. "Now, let's get my patient treated."

She squealed and kicked her bare feet.

And it only took me a couple of minutes.

Maybe less than that, and it was all over.

"Wow," she said as I stepped back. "That feels, like, ten times better already. Was it really that big of a deal?"

I wiped the last bit of ointment off my hands with one of her fluffy orange-and-green towels.

"I guess not," I lied.

Honestly? It was delightful.

"So, I've got a question for you, Mr. Fallensworth," she said, her tone dripping with casual mischief.

I was sitting by her dorm room door, tying my shoes, getting ready to leave. "Yeah? What's that?"

She gave me one of her classic, chaos-gremlin grins.

"You know I'm a shapeshifter, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. So what?"

She bit her bottom lip—playful, hesitant, like she was teasing herself more than me.

"You knew I didn't have to keep the burn on my bum... right?"

I paused.

Then I winked at her on my way out.

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