Dear Diary,

It never fails to amaze me how much every aspect of parenting catches me and just pours Happy Brain Chemicals into me. Yeah, I still get depressed. Chronic depression is, as noted, chronic. That's why it's called that. Even if mine isn't twenty four by seven, three sixty five, it still lurks in the back of my brain, rearing up whenever it fuckin' feels like it.

Okay, I'm sure there's some kind of pattern, like triggers and shit that either drive me into depression directly or set of some kind of slow burn fuse that winds up with me crashing at some unspecified future date for no good goddamned reason. And yeah, I'm gonna damn my chronic depression, because of gun safety logic. I try to be careful not to damn anything I don't want destroyed any more. Yeah, I tend to use 'blessed' instead, but that's because I'm tryna be a better person, and maybe a blessing will make some jackass who would otherwise piss me off, or some random non-sapient thing that would get in my way or break at the worst possible time make them, y'know, not do that.

But my continuing struggles with my own brain chemistry aside, or at least ignoring them because I don't know exactly how to do anything about them, I'm still surprised by how much I love everything about being a parent. I also occasionally wonder how much of that is me actually loving it and how much is trauma bonding over literal shit, but fuck it, I'd rather be happy trauma bonded to somebody than unhappy alone. Assuming they're also happy. Also I really don't want any of my relationships to be unhealthy, because I love each and every member of my family. Even if one or two of them are still kinda mysteries to me. Which... I think I need to do something about. Seriously, Marie and I are married now. I am legally, morally, ethically, and pragmatically mom to all seven of our kids, and 'not knowing one of them very well' doesn't seem like something I should let stand.

At any rate, Saturday was a pretty typical Saturday. Had the Cadets doing basic PT shit like endurance runs, power lifting, and obstacle course runs. Everybody's coming along nicely, and Lachlan agrees with me on that, so I know I'm not completely blowing smoke up my own ass. Seriously, he might not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but he can understand the basics of PT. Y'know, 'you ran farther, lifted more, finished the course faster with less fails than you did last week'. That kind of shit. Throughout the rest of the Academy I wound up doing plenty of scut work. Y'know, the stuff the new girl usually gets stuck with, that I'm guessing the Maenads usually had some kind of rotation for, but what with most of the Co-Located mes being just a little brain impaired it's stuff I can help out with. Can I put hospital corners on or do sewing? Hell no. Can I collect dirty clothes and stir big pots, whether stew or laundry? Sure as shit I can do the fuck out of that.

Delivered food to the kids at the school as well, and while I didn't really get a chance to settle in, because I was working on some special stuff for dinner already, I think I won some kid points by delivering enough paninis for the girls, their friends, and any other kids who wanted them. Including a couple for the cook in the restaurant to get one. Which is where I wound up spending part of the afternoon, explaining and demonstrating how to make them. Not complex, but new. Also had one of me watching over Siobhan and one on each of Saffron, because I think I deserve some nice views to counteract the nasty smells of Cadet laundry funk.

Got home and delivered Marie's latest creation to the family. Which, honestly, the rest of the women at the Homestead are by now. Yeah, cousins or some shit, but still, family. I think. I'm not sure if they feel that way or not. But when I think about one of them being hurt, or sick, or otherwise endangered, it makes the adrenaline flow maybe just a little more than the thought of some random Jarl having the same thing happen. So yeah. Anyway, Marie made Philly cheese steaks. For those who've never had one, you slice some fatty beef up real thin, fry it on a grill, preferably with some onions, peppers, and oil on the grill, then put some easily melty cheese on it to hold it all together. Mushrooms are an option I normally bypassed, but Marie decided we wanted them, so ours had mushrooms. Finally, you slap that shit into an Amoroso roll. Like, I know we don't have those here, but Marie managed to make a close approximation. Okay, I did a lot of the mass production work on both the rolls and the steaks.

I considered it a huge personal triumph when even Ria ate half of one. She made little moue faces the whole time, but she ate it. When I asked her about it, she got thoughtful and said, "I'm not sure if I liked it, but I didn't not like it. The flavor was good, but the texture was strange. There was meat in that, yes?" I nodded. "Beef?"

"Yeah. I wanted to make them right before trying bear."

She scrunched up her nose. "I'll try that when you make it, then."

So, y'know, not the glowing success of the Grilled Cheese, and I didn't have enough hands and attention to make an extra grilled cheese for dinner, but I decided right then that I'd make one for her for lunch today.

The ladies and I did not get any quiet soaking time in the bath. Okay, I could have, and so could Saffron, but Saffron decided to point out that Siobhan also had a baby in her belly, which meant she had to make sure the kids didn't swamp our poor Ice Pop too bad, and I was too busy focusing on my hands on Marie's belly to just soak. The kids kind of floated back and forth between Marie and Siobhan. Menace spent a while talking to Siobhan's belly, since we'd nixxed her idea of trying to yell loud enough the kittens heard her in hopes that they'd yell back. When they pop out, she is going to be insufferable in all the best ways. I must be a special kind of stupid, because I so look forward to that.

Got them all to bed, then dreamed of my ladies all laying down a landing strip of beans across the Maw, then aiming Marie's baby exit at said landing strip. So fuckin' weird. I'm not going to be eating Marie's kids. Kits. Whichever. Whatever.

Okay, maybe if she finally decides to shapeshift to boy Marie and I do unto her as I did unto boy Saffron on our wedding night. But that's not actually kids. That's kid requisitions at best.

Woke up to Karen murmuring in my head. Champion?

Without even opening my eyes, I responded. What you need, Karen?

Could you see if any of your Divine connections can maybe grease the wheels down here in Muscogee?

I shrugged, which inadvertently set off ripples of waking up across the bed. They giving you shit?

Oh, no. Not really. Just... I'd say bureaucratic runaround, except they don't seem to have a bureaucracy as such? But they're being very polite about it, and generous with supplies 'to make up for the inconvenience'.

I nodded. I'll talk to Lily and Rabbit... uh, is tomorrow soon enough?

We're waiting on resupply anyhow, so certainly.

Will do.

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Got everybody up and moving, including getting the kids to school. Y'know, part of me looks forward to watching the kittens after Marie decants, because I figure she'll go back to doing all the stuff I've been filling in for her with. But part of me isn't super copacetic about that. Yeah, I bitch about doing laundry, but there's a certain satisfaction to taking a bunch of nasty pieces of stanky cloth, doing some physical labor which, let's be honest, doesn't really push me in any way whatsoever, and winding up with clean clothing and sheets.

Oh! Neat thing I discovered! Well, not 'discovered'. More 'the Maenads showed me back when I started doing the laundry, but I never thought to mention it'. The laundry rooms are near the smithies, and they use some of the same Enchantments to heat the water and the forges, and they blow hot air from the smithies through some rooms where they hang the stuff to dry. So, y'know, beastly hot in there, but it dries stuff pretty quick. Don't know if it shrinks stuff or not though. Like, maybe they pre shrink it all?

Anyway, made a bunch of paninis for the girls for lunch, hopped them over to the Temple with enough extras to feed all the kids. With my recent realization that I really ought to get to know all my girls a little better, I kinda cycled through all seven of them, making sure they each got their favorites today. Took some Co-Location shenanigans to make extras of some things, but totally worth. Ria wanted her eggy grilled cheese, of course. Menace wanted the roast bear and cheddar. Maze went with eggy grilled cheese too, but asked me if I could put bacon in it next time. Alex wanted roast bear, but didn't want the cheddar; we had some swiss tasting stuff, and she prefers that. David likes the fried fish, although she asked me to put some fresh veggies on it next time. Weird, but not, like, crazy weird. Just gotta figure out how to keep them crisp while squish frying it.

Lindsey and Daya both wound up being a little harder to pin down. Crouched down next to Lindsey with most of a tray of paninis, looked from her to the three other quiet girls who'd settled down near her for lunch, and asked, "so, what are you in the mood for, Lindsey?"

She shrugged. "Whichever."

I leaned in a little. "If you don't like the paninis, that's okay. I can maybe get you something else?"

She shook her head, then shrugged. "They're a little fancy?"

I crouched there, kinda stunned. "Fancy?" I looked at my tray of fried squashed sandwiches and back to her. "These? Really?" She nodded. "So what do you like?"

She shrugged again. "Didn't say I don't like them."

"Point. So if you could have anything in the world, no questions, made however you want, what would you want to eat?"

She rolled her eyes. "You don't have to go out of your way for me."

I nudged her a little with my shoulder. "I know I don't have to. But maybe I want to?"

She stopped, looked at the other girls sitting with her, who'd each quietly grabbed a sandwich and started eating, then back to me. "I kinda like simple camp food." When I looked at her, tilting my head to get my curiosity across, she shrugged again and said, "y'know, stew in a pot over a campfire, or maybe stuff roasted on a spit."

I very carefully told my inner twelve-year-old to shut the fuck up and asked, "do you want to go camping some time?"

"I don't know if the other girls would like that."

I smiled at her. "Maybe. Maybe not. But I didn't ask about the other girls. I asked about you. I'm sure I've got my old Army gear around somewhere. If not I can find some. Pup tents, campfire. Maybe we could find someplace to fish."

She perked up a little. "Maybe go hunting?"

I nodded side to side. "Maybe. I'll have to make sure that the Dire Bears didn't kill off too much of the local wildlife before we do, but yeah, we could do that."

"How are you gonna find that out?"

I tapped at my nose as I handed her a roast bear sandwich. "I'll ask folks who might know. Rabbit. Lily. Marie. Maybe even Saffron."

"I get how Mama might know, but... Ma?"

I nodded. "Yeah. If none of the other three know, I'm sure she could put some kind of Divination Shaping together. She's super smart."

"I know that. I just didn't know she knew about wilderness stuff."

I chuckled. "Way back when Isnomi was still real little, before she was even a year old, Saffron deployed with the Army. She spent a whole Season marching around in the woods."

"Yeah, but that was with the Army."

I shrugged. "She still had to live in a tent for a couple months."

She frowned, because while she was a pretty level headed kid, she was still a kid, and kids don't always see through blatant bullshit. Then she nodded. "I think I'd like to go camping. If you don't mind?"

I gave her a one armed hug. "I'd love to take you camping. Might have to wait until after the kittens are born." She frowned a little, although she tried to hide it. "Might not, though. I'll see."

"Okay." She nodded, then got to the serious business of eating.

Over with Daya things were... less productive. "What's your favorite sandwich?"

"Cucumber."

I winced. "I'm sorry, Diamond." She winced. "I don't have any of those today. Maybe I can make you one tomorrow?"

She frowned up at me. "Why did you ask then?" she almost whispered.

"You mean, other than wanting to make you something you like?" She folded her arms and nodded. "Because I'm tryna learn maybe a little bit more about who you are. Like, as a person. What you like. What you don't. How I can be a better Mom for you."

"Not my mom," she muttered.

I shrugged. "I know. But that's not how that works." She shot me all the side eye. "You're my kid."

"So I have to do what you say?"

I shook my head "I mean, yeah, in an emergency? Same as everybody else. Okay, maybe not Saffron. She's usually telling me what to do. She thinks faster than me. But otherwise? Eh. I'm not big on telling you girls what to do. I don't do that all that much, do I?"

She frowned. "You tell us when to go to bed."

I rolled my eyes. "Am I a harda... am I mean about it, or am I just reminding you so you don't all wind up staying up all night playing and feeling awful the next day."

"Still telling us what to do."

I nodded. "You'd rather Marie tell you?" She looked away. "It's okay, Daya," I whispered. "I'm not mad, or upset, or feeling some kind of way. I'm not tryna find out how to hurt you. I'm tryna find out how I can help you. Maybe make your life a little nicer. Honestly. That's all I'm looking to do. I'm your Mama's wife, I want to take care of you, make sure you're... I dunno, happy and healthy and all that good stuff."

She looked at the ground. "You didn't ask me," she whispered.

I realized almost immediately what she meant. I'd been squatting kind of like I'd done with Lindsey, but I set my tray down on the floor and sat on my butt on the floor next to where she sat on one of the rows of seats. I nodded. "No. No, I didn't. I'm sorry about that. I... I didn't know you didn't want me to."

"Too late now."

I nodded again. "Yeah. Yeah, it is. I'm sorry."

She jerked like I'd slapped her. "Are you gonna un marry her?"

I chuckled. "Can't exactly do that. I mean, yeah, there are rules for it, I guess, but no. Wouldn't be fair to your incoming sisters if I did that, would it?" She pouted. "Can I make it up to you?" She tilted her head. "I didn't pay as much attention to you back when we were talking about it. When I talked with Maze a lot about it." She twitched a little when I mentioned her Fae sister. "Yeah, I know. That's part of why I feel so bad. I spent so much time dealing with her, I kind of just put the question out as a blanket to the rest of you." Then I realized. "You were scared to say no, weren't you?" She nodded. I held my hands out. Not reaching for her, just... open. "I'm sorry, sweetie. You don't have to be scared of me."

"I heard people say you don't like..."

I leaned in again. "That I don't like Dan?" She nodded. "Karen's Dan." Her brow furrowed a little. "She's my Highest Priestess. Larry's Dan." She cocked her head. "Heir Lancaster?" She nodded, suddenly understanding. "He's my Champion. Siobhan's Dan."

Daya pouted a little. "She's just your Concubine."

I frowned a little at her. Not really harshly, just enough so she paid attention when I whispered, "she's not 'just' anything. She likes that Title. But she's my partner. Our partner. Your Godmother."

Daya blinked at that. "Really?"

I nodded. "Also? Yeah, she's our Concubine. Mine. Saffron's. Marie's. But," I leaned in like I was whispering a secret to her. "So was Marie until a few weeks ago."

That gave her an absolutely baked noodle look. Like her world had suddenly twisted underfoot, and she had no idea why she hadn't fallen over. "Four Moms?" I nodded. "That's a lot."

I picked up the sandwich tray and held it out to her. She absentmindedly picked up one of the chicken sandwiches and nommed it a little. "Too much?"

She shook her head, and I smiled, ruffled her hair, and let her go back to eating with the other little kids. Carefully hiding my happy dance of triumph until I could do it back in the kitchen in front of Marie.

Because... Four. Which meant she was counting me as one of them.

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