Dear Diary,

"Run and jump and play and pounce! Hunt and kill and rip and tear! Nom it all when you are done!" -Isnomi Aetos-Diaz, Momma's Book of Killing Things

We must never forget that our Goddess took her first steps along the path to Godhood when she stood against Diana herself for the life of a single infant child. If we are to engage in a level of violence wherein we are to kill deliberately and with forethought intention, we ought remember this, that it should not be a grim matter that we must keep secret. For our Goddess, whether through observing us as her Worshippers, or when we pass from this world and return to her embrace, will eventually discover all of our secrets, and judge us accordingly. So if the Homicide we intend to commit is Just, we ought acknowledge it, accept that, accept the consequences gladly. If we cannot, that is a sign that it may not be as Justified as our emotions tell us it is. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Oh. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Oh shit fuck dammit fucking hell shit fuck.

I... I totally forgot to edit that shit out. I meant to do it, but I forgot. I mean, now that I think about it, that must have been right around when I wound up doing all that Fae Grain down in Rich Man's Port. That shit definitely hits like weed, to the point where when I think about the times I got way too much in me, they remind me of the times I got really high back in the day. I always thought the deleterious effects on memory were, like, so much bullshit. Okay, not bullshit, but overstated. Like, yeah, you don't remember shit well the day after you get high, but I always figured if something was really important, I'd remember it.

Which I totally fuckin' forgot!

Okay, it's okay, I can just... yeah, I got nothin'. This shit has already not only been published, but there are now fancy collectors' editions like the one I'm reading, even if the only person who has one other than me is Karen. Yet. Saffron told me that suicidal chica from... Madeline. Yeah, Madeline. I didn't forget her name, it just took me a minute to remember it, but I totally did, and she's gonna go through the Trials and choose life and show up with that fuckin' dress and her copy of the Doctrine and Commentaries in her hands and sing this fuckin' Verse to me with a disappointed look in her eyes like 'what the fuck, Diaz?' and that is not the kind of thing I want happening.

Oh, fucking shit hell dammit fuck. I just realized that this whole fuckin' Verse fits that meter. Shit, shit, shit, fuck, oh God, what am I gonna do?

I'd recommend reading the Commentary and focusing on that for the moment, Daughter.

Read the... Oh. Yeah. Right. Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

I know.

So, yeah, the Commentary. Wherein my brilliant Kitten turned our daughter's murder happy doggerel nursery rhyme into something approaching decent advice for those getting their Moral Direction second or third hand from my cereal box Moral Compass. I just really gotta hope than nobody ever asks me some really difficult question like 'did you actually write that, or did you let your daughter write it', because my honest answer is 'I don't fuckin' know, I was too high to really remember'. Not the kind of thing you want to hear from the Goddess you're Worshipping. I sure as fuck might feel some kinda way if I was Worshipping someone and they told me that.

So yesterday afternoon went by pretty placidly. Which I never thought would be an adverb I chose to describe a day I enjoyed. Like, yeah, it might have been the afterglow from the lunchtime pit stop. But then again, there wasn't any of that gradual growth of discontent, either. I had warm fuzzies from nursing and playing booster seat, some mild positive vibes from idly playing footsie with Marie atop Treachery Rock and lacing fingers with her while leaning against Tallulah's calves in the Overlord's Courtroom, a sense of accomplishment from my work in the Academy and taking care of Siobhan, physical exercise in the Practice Yard, and even some active stimulation from learning how to care for the fields from the Homestead women, then teaching the same to the girls.

Okay, teaching the same to Alex, Isnomi, and maybe Daya. Ria picked up on shit the first time, because she paid as much close attention to the women as she did to Saffron or I. Good kid. Maze listened as well, although at least once I heard her asking Ria to show her something again. Lindsey and David both seemed like they already knew their way around a garden. Or a field, since the two aren't exactly the same. Although a few big parts of the fields were laid out like shit I remember from gardens, like poles for veggies that grow on vines. Also, none of the fields were monocultures. Like, the rows alternated, one of corn then one of beans or whatever. I didn't get why, but right at the moment I had enough on my plate keeping the girls focused and working. No spare spoons for asking the women about the whys and wherefores of crop rotation. I guess I'd just have to remember at some point when there wasn't quite so much to be done. Maybe after harvest or on a rest day or something.

Yeah, like I'd remember something for that long. Still, my intentions were good.

Marie made tendies and something I hadn't realized I'd missed until I smelled it, didn't know what it was, saw it, and lost my goddamned mind. French fries. She'd spent all day teaching me how to make the tendies, which totally distracted me from her making the fries. Not quite steak fries, but thicker than fast food fries. Perfectly crisp on the outside, creamy mashed potato texture and flavor on the inside. Piping hot, with just enough salt on the outside. The moment the first one hit my mouth, I grabbed Marie, Co-Located to the Bedroom, and savored her as much as I savored the fries.

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Realized somewhere in the middle of Dinner that my marvelous Maenad hadn't forgotten our less carnivorous girls; they had some mozzarella sticks, or some other kind of light colored cheese that did absolutely fuckin' perfect cheese pulls. I mean, there were big bowls of salad and waffles as well, but I'd helped with both of those, and between tendies and French fries, there was zero chance I'd be eating any meaningful amount of any of that. Okay, I downed a waffle with a few tendies and some of Marie's sweet gravy. That shit went well with the French fries, but I still missed ketchup. Catsup? I'm not sure which way it's supposed to be spelled, but the vinegar I snagged from the Academy's kitchen just was not the same. I mean, it's not bad, but it's not Ketchup.

I'd have asked Marie about it, but my mouth was full. Well, both my mouth in the dining room and the one in the Bedroom. I could have asked in the bedroom, but the kittens were all asleep, and I didn't want to wake them.

I got my chance as dinner was wrapping up. Marie pulled me up, kissed me, licked her lips, and said, "Bath Time."

I blinked. "Already?"

She smiled at me, chuckled, and said, "Need Soaking."

I snuggled her, stepped us both to the shower, collapsing dining room me up as I did, and before anybody else joined us I whispered, "We could do both, y'know," under the cover of the water from the shower.

She smiled, scrubbed me down, which included the most incredible scalp scratching I'd had in a long time, then whispered in my ear. "Want Focus."

I returned the favor, scrubbing not just her hair, but as much of her fur as would lather up, which meant pretty much everywhere except her beans and certain places I wasn't about to wash with the girls watching. Somewhere as she scrubbed my back while I worked on her legs, I sort of got it. Like the Revels?

She smiled at me as we rinsed each other down, and when she scooped me up to carry me to the Bath, whispered, "Just So."

I still kinda remembered the last time a nightmare had me ask for spontaneity from my ladies, and while this night's dreams were completely different to that, they did not disappoint. My ladies danced. Not just danced, but danced to multiple different arrangements of my Doctrine. I now know that the Dark Fatass part of me gets the munchies after. Well, technically during, but when 'during' and 'after' are being intermingled due to the constant stream of seven syllable silliness, I'm gonna choose 'after'. Based on the delighted screaming squeals, I guess they considered that like, unrestrained applause and appreciation for their song and dance routine.

Right near the end I heard it again. That voice, calling to me. Definitely from the east. No idea how far away, though.

Unfortunately, that distracted me enough, disturbed me enough that something else kind of got to me. I've often talked about my ladies or even the chibi chefs screaming in my dreams, but I've always thought of them as screams of delight, or even the kind of terrified screaming some people do on roller coasters. Like, the kind of happy terrified I associated with Siobhan. But something about that call, something about the voice or the tone or whatever, put doubts in my head.

Chewed that over all day as I went around my normal tasks. Got Marie to teach me how she made those fries, although the still limited potato supplies meant we were using yam rather than potato. Not quite the same, way too sugary, but still good. At least once someone commented on Marie and I making eyes at each other beneath Tallulah's knees. They declined to repeat the comment when we both turned to face them, and Tallulah let it slide. Probably something about the need for her invisible servants to clean up the puddle on the floor after. The girls decided on their itinerary for the day, which included tending to their mounts and Baby, then helping out in the fields again. I guess when you don't have to do something for somebody else's profit, it's way less obnoxious, because even the Homestead women didn't seem really pissed about the time they spent out weeding and tying vines and pruning obviously dead plants.

After lunch, the Lancasters decided it was time for them to get home. So the girls gathered around and all of them said their goodbyes and exchanged hugs and kisses with the gentlemen and Bonnie and Lucas. Liam... okay, they did with Liam as well, but out of all of them he was the only one blushing. Guess it might be time to have a talk with him soon maybe, or at least let Lachlan know he needed one.

When a sextet of smug, grinning Maries set Saffron and I down from our lunch time pit stop, then sashayed out of the room equally smugly, I said, "before you get started?"

Saffron spun and straddled my lap, first kissing me, then saying, "yes, love?"

"First thing, I, uh... I know you've told me that what you do in my dreams isn't causing you or anyone else any long term harm, but..."

"Our dreams, love," she interrupted, kissing me quickly, leaving me utterly unfazed at being interrupted.

"Okay, but..." I sighed. "Does it hurt? Like, is it painful?"

She cocked her head. "Why would you even worry about that?"

"Because I don't want to hurt anybody?"

She smiled in fond remembrance. "Oh, you seemed quite willing, able, and even eager," she shot me a few select images from her perspective of that Penance night where I first dangled Siobhan. "Or was I mistaken? Was that all an act?"

I rolled my eyes. "Okay, yeah, I kinda liked that, but that's kinda the problem. You wanted that then. Practically begged me for it. That's way different from forcing it on people just because they Worship me, or even, I dunno, making it part of the price of doing business for Maw access or whatever."

She paused me by laying a finger over my lips while she thought for a moment. "So... there's something I've been thinking of doing, that might solve that dilemma for you, or at least help put your mind at ease, but... it might take a few days to set up. Will you be patient and just enjoy our Worship for now?"

Some tiny part of me wanted to argue, but I've been trying to be more mature about shit. So I took a deep breath, nodded, and said, "okay. You got a day for me, or is it gonna be a surprise?"

She smiled and replied, "oh, definitely a surprise. But one I think you'll like. Now, you said 'first thing', so what else?"

"That voice is back. Still from the east."

She frowned. "Our agents in New Amsterdam have found nothing as of yet. We might still learn something going undercover, but... could you perhaps try to listen tonight from elsewhere?"

"Huh?"

She smiled at me, ruffled my hair, then spun back around and started up her coding, while I wrapped my arms and tentacles around her. "Tonight. When you hear that voice, if you hear it, Co-Locate to... let's say Phileo, at the Academy?"

So I guess I've got my marching orders for tonight.

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