Dear Diary,

"When you follow your Passion, Remember who's left behind, Lest Passion's price be too high." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Passion

Our Goddess is a Goddess of Passion. Despite her best efforts, it often rules her actions, her choices. She has, on more than one occasion, regretted her decisions made in the heat of Passion. Not all of those decisions, mind. Many of her most Passionate decisions are the ones she's proudest of. The ones which drive her to protect, nurture, and even provide for us all. But she is well aware that Passion can drive us to decisions which lack even a shred of mindfulness. When we make decisions like that, we can cause irrevocable harm to ourselves and others. In short, Passion can be just as dangerous as Bloodlust, and we as devotees of Passion must remain aware of that. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Huh. I don't think I really thought of it that way back when I wrote that. At the same time, while I still stand behind my original idea of not neglecting loved ones because of hyperfixations, I'm also fully behind Kitten's idea that Passion can be just as dangerous as Bloodlust. Seriously, anything that can make somebody stop thinking is dangerous as fuck.

Which brings me back to my Kitten, who after getting all hot and bothered by me manhandling Lemonkyenin, utterly erased my ability to think for a big chunk of the night. Then, because I'm a Goddess of my word, while the rest of my ladies watched Saffron simultaneously satisfying the both of us, Madeline spent the night pushed as far into my Maw as I could shove her each time she showed up. I... I can't really talk like that, which disturbs me in ways I can't really explain, but I tried my best to express my absolute fanatic appreciation for her soft, crispy, savory sweet exterior and her sweet sponge cake center.

She kept coming back, and the one time I was maybe a little slow, because I'd been ogling, I mean watching Saffron's ass as assiduously as I'd done earlier, she seemed a little put out. Did the whole anime pout look and everything. So I maybe blocked the screen with her for a moment so everybody else could appreciate her deliciosity.

Spent the day mostly focused on pumping for the kits, while also feeding them as much as I could. Kinda weird, if there are more than two of me doing the nursing thing, they kinda start deflating. At four they pretty much dry up before any of the babies except Hailee are done. So I stick to two of me, with three of them nomming my nips, and me pumping the empty boob to store up Primordial Mama milk for growing kittens for the days I can't be there. I mean, they'll still get Marie milk. That's a given. I think she'd hurt people and do serious property damage if somebody tried to stop her, and I would be right there giving her the go ahead.

At the end of the day, I brought everybody home, then collapsed up to the bedroom to focus on the kits for a bit. I mean, I'd been mostly focused on them the whole day, but something about Lemmy's interest the other day made me feel like I needed to put some quality kitten time in. So I wound up with four of me carrying them down to dinner, feeding them meat mush, then carrying them back up to the Bath, first washing then playing with them until they all got sleepy. I snuggled in with them, collapsing back to one of me, because I really did need a full night of sleep.

Dreamt of the ladies reviewing the past week's exploits in the Bedroom. Siobhan seemed a little snarky about it, which pushed my Nefarious Plans regarding her up the priority list just a touch.

I still needed some time talking to Mom and Dad. But before even that, I looked around at breakfast and asked, "can any of you come with me to talk with my parents today?"

"Yes, Vlickies."

"You sure you'll be okay with the kits?"

"Duh."

I hugged her. "Thanks, Mittens. Anybody else?"

Saffron frowned, and I shifted to put an arm around her. "Hey, Kitten, I know you've got a shit ton on your plate at the moment. That's why I asked if you could, rather than, y'know, just asking you to come along."

"You realize that's a hair fine distinction. Practically sophistry."

I shrugged. "Yeah, but you're sophisticated like that."

She opened her mouth, closed it, then smiled. "If you're done before the end of the day, could you come see me in the Academy suite office?"

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"Sure, Kitten."

Then Siobhan and Tallulah both surprised me when T put her hand on Siobhan's shoulder and, after a moment of wordless communication between the two of them, asked, "may we come along?"

"Why is that even a question?" Then I thought for a second and turned to Saffron. "Unless you feel some kinda way about it?"

She smiled sadly. "I most certainly do. I feel disappointed in myself that I have taken on so much that I cannot be there to support you, and grateful that we have partners who can do so when I fail."

I dropped to my knees in front of her chair. "Kitten? You have not failed me. Never. Not once."

She smirked. "I seem to recall some Penance that hinted otherwise."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, well. Maybe you failed you. I'm still not sure on that. But me? You've never failed me."

She pulled me up and kissed me, tears in her voice, if not in her eyes. "Thank you, love." Then she turned to my other ladies. "Take care of her for me?"

"Always."

So the four of us went to Loki's for the day. When we arrived, after some gentle affection in the form of hugs, which made me smile and have to suppress a giggle when Sigyn pulled Tallulah into the big group hug. Then kinda seared the smile onto my face when she relaxed and melted into it.

"What brings you here, Daughter?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I was thinking the other day, and had a thought that kinda threw me for a loop, and it's just been kind of reverberating in the back of my head since then."

As Sigyn set out the table and chairs, Loki shifted around and said, "what thought?"

I nodded. "I... okay, this is a little embarrassing to talk about, because it's something that mostly happens when I'm, uh..."

Tallulah then pulled all the conversational weight by filling in, "having sex?" when I faltered.

"Yeah. But not just then. I mean, it's mostly something that happens in response to physical stimuli, but not just sex." I looked around, then realized I hadn't explained. "I... when something... when the tension, my anxiety, lets go? I feel like I'm disappearing. Like there's nothing to me but stress. Which... I don't want to be some kind of stress or anxiety elemental. I don't think my ladies or my kids deserve that."

Sigyn looked over at Loki. "This promises to be one of those 'girl talk' discussions, husband. Do you want us to take this elsewhere?"

He shrugged, smiled, and suddenly we had a twenty foot girl type Jotnar at the table with us. "Only if you mind me being here."

So... I talked. We talked. Talked about sex and intimacy and all that good stuff, but also about how much of my identity had become inextricably entwined with hypervigilance. With always being on alert, on guard. With always being... on. How turning off felt like disappearing.

I... I got the oddest feeling that Loki wasn't telling me something. Not, like, hiding something nefarious. More like he had some kind of insight, but didn't want to share it because it wasn't productive, or might make things worse.

Still, as the day drifted past, time flowing as oddly as ever, he turned to me and said, "I think perhaps you need an actual break at some point, daughter."

I snorted. "C'mon. I spent how long just laying around?"

He shook his head, as did Sigyn, Marie, and Tallulah. Oddly, Siobhan was the one who spoke. "So, am I to feel guilty for 'laying around'?"

"No! You're not relaxing, not taking a break."

"Really?"

"Yeah! As I noted to Larry when Bonnie was cooking up Lucas, you are growing a whole assed person in your belly. That takes a shit ton of work. The fact that your body is kinda protesting that doesn't make it any easier. You're doing plenty of work, just not, y'know, upright and fully conscious most of the time."

She smiled and took my hand. "So you understand, then." I must have looked at clueless as I felt. "You've been feeding eight nursing Demigoddesses. At the very least."

"Huh?"

Yeah, at that point Marie, Sigyn, and Loki all looked like Siobhan had slapped them with a mackerel. Tallulah just shook her head. "She's right."

"Uh, I'm guessing you're saying Siobhan is right about something, but as usual I'm a clue free zone."

Loki shook himself, then nodded to Tallulah. "Who is my father, Tabitha?"

"Ymir."

"Who is?"

I had to think a little to get his point. "Primordial of glaciers?"

He nodded. "Yes. Exactly. A Primordial of a very physical thing. So while he is indeed a Primordial, if one were to place Primordials in order of raw power, he would be rather lower in the order than, say, Domnu."

"Okay, yeah, that makes sense."

"Less powerful than Balor, even."

I snorted. "Oh, please. Yeah, fucker was carting around a WMD in his fuckin' eye socket, but other than that? Kinda weaksauce."

They all went quiet at that. Stared at me. I didn't start accruing cluefullness until Siobhan looked at Tallulah and said, almost giggling, "do you see now?"

My long tall Fae Lady just nodded, serious as ever. "I scarce credited it, but you're correct."

Then it hit me. Just to be sure, I asked, "where do I rank compared to, uh, Ymir?"

Loki almost lost it laughing. Like, he didn't. He kept the laughter to snorts and abortive chuckles, but he managed to get out, "Daughter mine, you have Domnu on a leash. To the best of my knowledge... No, but that is idle speculation. Suffice to say you are orders of magnitude more powerful than my father."

"So... uh... the kittens?"

He smirked. "are, in terms of 'rank', such as things are measured, my peers."

"Oh."

Marie almost lost me again saying, "Mazikeen."

"Huh?"

That's when she pulled me in and hugged me to her side. "Best Papa."

Yeah, I was kinda lost when I dropped everybody off at home, then stepped over to speak with Saffron right at sunset.

Of course, right about then Karen showed up. "Goddess?"

Fortunately Saffron was there to answer for my still gobsmacked ass. "Yes, Karen?"

"A message from the Marshall. Ivan Ivanov has requested a meeting with you tomorrow at noon."

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