Dear Diary,

"Don't have Children you don't want, If you don't want your Children, Don't ever let them know that." - Tabitha Diaz, Doctrine of Tabitha, Book of Children

Our Goddess has never spoken out directly against prevarication. Hypocrisy enrages her, as does acting in Bad Faith, but in most cases lying simply saddens her, because in most cases she believes it is done out of fear that the truth will hurt others. This is our Goddess' motivation for the Commandments in this Verse. The first, to avoid quickening seeds we do not desire to see birthed into this world, is a simple thing. The Curse of Hestia, which prevents conception, is available at her Temples and ours. Any competent midwife can recommend alchemical methods of contraception. The prostitutes at work in the Temples of our Goddess know all of these methods and more, and are willing to share their knowledge free of charge. Our reasons are our own, and our Goddess does not ask us to divulge them, only to avoid bringing an unwanted Child into the world. Should it happen, the second Commandment of this Verse comes into play. No matter what, no matter how, we are never to let a Child know it is unwanted. While most may think this requires hiding our feelings on the matter, again our Goddess cares not how we protect Children, so long as we protect them. There is always the harder course of learning to love those we have brought into this world, finding joy in someone forced upon us by Fate and our own shortsighted impatience. Or we could even hand them off to another, or find a partner whose joy in our Children is so great that our joy in our partner becomes joy in our Child. For no matter the Child, there is someone out there who wants them, who will take joy in them, and in her Wisdom our Goddess has forced us to acknowledge this. - Priestess Most High Above All Others, Archmage Imperator Saffron Aetos-Diaz, Commentary on the Doctrine of Tabitha

Now I'm really kinda worried that every single Commentary on the Book of Children is gonna wind up being another message straight from Saffron to me. Which, to be clear, I'm not sure if the first one was, and I'm not sure if this one is, and I'm not sure if any of the others will be. But this one. Holy shit. If it is.

Seriously, there's very little that compares to somebody saying 'yeah, I wasn't really in love with the idea of being a Mom until you came along and fell in love with my kid, which made me love my kid because you loved them'. Which honestly does not jive with my memories of Saffron back when we first hooked up and she introduced me to Isnomi. She was the most chipper, upbeat mom I'd ever heard up until that point, and her kid smiled and giggled on seeing her, which is not the behavior of an unloved kid.

But what if all that was just her doing what I did, and making with the smiles and cheerfulness when you had a kid around, because that's what you do? Because sure as shit that's what I needed more of back in the day, especially once my mom passed and I wound up sitting in the house alone all day playing video games because I couldn't bear to see one more 'WTF, Diaz' or 'Really, Diaz' look from one of my teachers or relatives.

Y'know, if that's the case, if we each faked the other into loving our kid because we each pretended to do so until we did, I'm not sure what to think of that. Okay, yeah, I am. Because yeah, that whole idea of 'wear the mask long enough and you become the mask' sounds all creepy and scary, like 'what if my identity isn't permanent', but here's the thing: it never is. Identity is ever changing. Yeah, sometimes we find something and it becomes a core part of us, like my innate loathing of exploiters and the bad faith actors who empower them, or my love of children. But the rest of everything we are is constantly changing. There might be Special Interests or core memories or whatever other fuckin' things drop deep into our personal gravity and alter our internal topography, but there's so much more that's just utterly fluid.

Speaking of which, my whole focus on Deities who have lost touch with their Worshippers and their struggles took a fuck of a hit what with doing that ride along with Pyevatar. Seriously, after a whole assed night of concentrated intimate Worship, followed by a day hanging with my kids and kits, my head still felt very much not on straight. I think Saffron noticed at dinner, when she called Tallulah over to play seat cover for Siobhan while Marie fed them both, then scooped me up and sat me on her lap.

"Obol for your thoughts, love."

I shook my head, and she popped a few pizza toppings off the slice on my plate and popped them in my mouth. I chewed and swallowed, enjoying the texture of the meatball and mushroom. Kinda surprised myself when I realized that I'd actually made that meatball. Not like I could tell mine from Marie's at this point, really, but she'd had me make all of the ones for tonight's pizza. "Really not... I dunno, I'm kinda confused."

"About?"

"Pyevatar."

My Kitten Grinned, chuckled deep in her throat, and attempted to lick my eardrum. No fancy Shapeshifting shenanigans, just a girl licking my ear, but that shocked me out of any kind of melancholy. Before I could do more than make mixed up irked aroused Tabitha noises, she whispered, "she is your type, love."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not wrong. But she's not interested, and you know I don't push things like that."

She murmured, "I do. I love you for that, even as the worst parts of me wonder what it would be like if you did."

I picked up the pizza slice, folded it, and held it out for her. She took a bite and closed her eyes while she chewed. I was pretty sure most of us had taken to doing that now and then, what with the quality of the food generally getting better as Marie perfected her recipes and I got better at implementing them. "Careful, Kitten. You push me to do that, you know who I'm doing it to first."

She just Grinned at me, eyes opening to show nothing but raw heat behind them. "Oh. No. Not. That."

I chuckled, then sighed. "Seriously, I'm still all out of sorts from riding along with her. Like, how can she connect to ordinary Mortals after she does that all day, every day?"

She shrugged. "Must she?"

I stopped. "I'm... I dunno. Maybe? I guess I could ask her about it, but if she doesn't, what happens to the sun?"

"What happened when Apollo stopped riding his chariot daily," she whispered in my ear. Then followed her whisper with a tongue. Couldn't tell if there were Shapeshifting shenanigans this time or it just felt like she'd gotten deeper.

I took a long, slow breath, because my still unstable mental state was not leaving me a lot of self-control. Seriously, Kitten, I'm all out of sorts and if you do that one more time I'm gonna call it Consent and see how long you last.

But this isn't Consent. Yeah, definite tongue Shapeshifting shenanigans. Also possibly other body parts, as her finger slipped into my other ear, tickling as it went. This is deliberate provocation. She stroked both tongue and finger back and forth in my ears. This is me, fucking around.

I swear I wanted to say something like, 'Ladies, if you could please watch the kids, I need to teach our Kitten a lesson on fucking around and finding out'. But all that came out was a growled, Ladies, kids.

I slammed her into the Bed, toppled atop her when she refused to let go of me, refused to stop taunting me. She struggled, but every time I paused, tried to let go of her, she arrowed back to those spots she knew so well, the ones that lit a fire in me so fierce I could not help but respond. Eventually I stopped pausing and just took her. Forced her to climax for my amusement, used her to please myself, balanced her on a razor's edge to watch her squirm, then timed her release to coincide with my own.

Time passed oddly in the Bedroom, and the kids were just settling down in the bath when I collapsed atop her, using her yet again, this time as a body pillow.

Then I thought about what I'd just done. Guilt started to rush in.

"Stop." I froze. "Do not."

"But..."

She stroked my hair. "Love, I want you to look into that space within me, the one you look into with each and every Worshipper who shares your Altar with you."

"I..."

"Now. Please, Goddess. Before anything else."

Dutiful Wife that am, I did as she asked. It took me a minute, because it seemed like there was nothing but darkness there. For the barest of seconds I thought of Celeste. Then a wave of something hit me. Something I hadn't felt in so, so long.

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Satiation.

"That's right, love. I wanted. Needed. Not just you, but for you to use me like that, to take me, to force me, to leave me like this. To leave you like this."

I tried to shake my head, but she pinned my face into my pillows. Her pillows. Very not excited, but still very warm and soft. "Like what?"

"Do you feel all out of sorts now?"

I opened my mouth to reply, and when I couldn't for a second, when I realized the answer, I grinned and ran my tongue along her cleavage before popping up to smile at her. "Thank you, Kitten."

She smiled and shook her head. "Thank you, love. It really is nice to know I can still excite you like that."

"Forever and always. Always you."

She'd been flushed a couple times during, but this time she blushed, and it was adorable. I pulled her to me, and we lay there like that for a little bit before she said, "I think we both could do with a bath and a soak, though. I enjoy aching a little in the morning, but I still need to walk around the Council chamber."

"I could carry you."

She snickered, and rolled us both to the Bath, to the showers, where she turned the tap to start water sluicing over both of us. "Yeah, no, that is not the image I wish to project." Then she got quietly pondery, like my Kitten do, and grinned again. "Not today, at any rate."

Later, as we soaked in the heat of the Bath, I pulled her to me, as gentle as I had been rough earlier. "I'm still worried about the whole thing with Pyevatar."

She nodded. "Now that you're thinking with a bit more of a level head, what concerns you?"

"Heh. Leveled my head by fucking with it," I murmured.

She smiled gently. "By filling it with something that is so earthy, so intensely you, that when it emptied out only you remained."

"Not sure I like me being nothing but... that."

"Nothing but what, love? Pure, unexpurgated, unrestrained lust? Please. Lust is a part of you, one we all enjoy. Much like alcohol, sometimes the appropriate proof is 'yes'."

That caught me off guard, thinking about Baba Yaga's secret stash, which got me thinking about Pyevatar again. "Yeah. Yeah, I get that. Thanks, Kitten."

"No weeks of moping about what you've done?"

What did I do?

Took me so hard and fast and long and successfully that I'm utterly satiated for the moment, why do you ask?

"Nope. Gonna listen to my Wife's assessment of my actions and roll with that."

She snorted. "Who are you and what have you done with Tabitha?"

I shrugged, and got a sudden rush of heat to the face as I realized that got the unashamed attention of not just my Kitten, but Tallulah and Marie as well. Siobhan had her eyes closed, resting her head on Marie's belly, but she smiled and blushed a bit. "I'm still Tabitha. I think I'm finally growing up. Learning and shit. Go me?"

She hugged me. "Go you, indeed."

"So, yeah, about the whole thing with Pyevatar, I dunno how much Deities like her need to be in that... inhuman position. How often, how deep they have to go into it to make sure the stuff under their control is happening right. But even if it turns out she needs to be there every day, fully not human perspective the whole time, I think it would do her some good to be a little more grounded when she's not. Like, at night and shit. But I'm not sure how."

Saffron nodded, still staring at my chest. I might have puffed it out a little, just to watch her smile. "More direct contact with Worshippers would let her need less sleep, and some nights in the winter would be long enough for her to attend Revels, or feasts, or other times when she can reconnect with whatever Humanity Adjacent things exist in her."

I nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I think shit like that might work. Fuck it, if it doesn't, we can try to think of something else. But even just having a suggestion of, like, action items that aren't 'don't be such a Goddess' is useful." I thought for a second, then grinned. "Especially if we can get her addicted to some of that straight up point blank hardcore Worship."

A tiny trickle of guilt raised its head, and Saffron immediately thought, why?

Fear is Worship. You were afraid of me.

I might not want that every time, like a certain Darling, but I now fully accept and understand her tastes in the matter. When I didn't untense, she followed that by slipping her eyes closed, settling her head on my chest, and thinking, an absolute sexual roller coaster. Utterly safe while terrified out of any sense of decorum or restraint. Blissful.

That brought another rush of heat to my face as Siobhan, eyes still closed, grinned and nodded. Promise me? After the little one arrives?

Already did, Darling. As soon as you say it's safe.

Her lower lip curled out just the tiniest bit. When Saffron says it's safe.

Uh, okay. Why?

That way I will live in uncertain anticipation from the moment our child arrives until the moment the trap snaps shut around me.

I shook my head, chuckling. "Y'all are bad for my sense of, I dunno, propriety and shit."

Definitely made me warm and fuzzy and just a little tingly as they all chorused, "good."

Dreamt of my ladies watching The Ravishing Of Saffron Aetos-Diaz on the big screen. Weird thing, thinking about it after I woke up left me a little abashed at how many tentacles wound up in how many places, but during the whole review I just stared, nomming ladies like popcorn. Mostly my adorable little soup dumpling.

Somebody kept calling my name from Boltophsberg, getting all petulant about it, but I couldn't even be bothered to Co-Locate, just sent big 'busy watching something' vibes that way. Which got them even more nasty and petulant.

Today after getting everybody doing their things for the day, with me tagging along for the ride in most places, I stepped over to Baba Yaga's place and knocked on the door exactly at midday.

The door creaked open, the smell of lemons and honey wafting out as her voice creaked, "come in."

I stepped in to find only two chairs, but the normal amount of little noshes. Okay, overall the normal amount, but I did not miss the fact that most of the sandwiches were ones with the pink salmon filling, or most of the cookies were those powdered sugar pastries. "This all smells awesome."

I almost just nommed the whole fuckin' table, but I remembered my manners. Sort of. She grinned and let out a low cackle as I froze with hands and tentacles mid-reach. "Go on, Tabitha Diaz. Be welcome to this repast. I made it for our teatime, and my appetite isn't what it once was."

"Thanks!" I did slip my tentacles back and pick up one of the non-pink sandwiches while she poured the tea. Honey, lemon, and just a hint of mint filled the air. Some kind of cream cheese with a hint of sweet berries filled the sandwich, and I took a chance and closed my eyes while savoring the flavor. "Yeah. Gotta get you and Marie to collaborate in the kitchen at some point. Might need to keep some Healers on hand for people who burst from eating too much though."

She snickered. "You Phileans and your Healers. In my day when a Mortal overindulged to that degree, we did the respectful thing and returned the compliment."

I rolled my eyes. "You telling me these are made out of you?" She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Yeah, then not quite the same. But I guess I can kinda see it."

That paused her for a second. "Tabitha Diaz, slayer of Dragons and Deities alike, accepting that a Deity might consume their Worshippers?"

I shook my head. "Yeah, no, I think folks have it all wrong. I mean, I don't want anybody checking out early, and I sure as shit don't want Deities forcing themselves on people." She raised one eyebrow, and I blushed, thinking about the night before. "But so long as everybody knows what's going on and consents to it, I'm not sure it's my place to say no."

She tilted her head, like she needed to see me from another angle. Which did weird things to how she looked to that part of me that could see all of her. "Oh, but it is your place. Surely you know that much, at least?"

"Eh. Okay, yeah, I get it, I'm supposed to be the final arbiter and shit, but that means I gotta be as fair as I can be, right? Not rushing to judgement, but taking my time and doing the job the way it ought to be done?"

I sat there drinking tea and nomming lunchtime finger food while she pondered that, sipping at her own tea the whole time. She only ate a few things, and it looked almost like she was taking one or two of her favorites rather than my 'taste test everything, then nom everything good, which was everything'. Eventually she spoke. "Not all Deities are as conscientious as you are."

I shrugged. "Eh. Pyevatar seems to be." Her eyebrows shot up. "I mean, she's up there in the sky every day, right?"

She nodded. "Every day, so far as I know."

"And you know a lot." She just smiled and nodded. I decided to take the tiniest risk. "Can I ask you a favor?"

She pondered that for a bit. Finally she said, "knowing you will one day judge me, is it wise for me to say 'no'?"

I smiled at her. "Yeah, well. Consent's important. I don't want to be a fuckin' dictator. If you need to, consider yourself to have bought a bunch of indulgence through," I popped another of those powdered sugar pastry cookies in my mouth, chewed, and swallowed, "all this awesome food."

She chuckled, then nodded. "But that's not the real reason, is it?"

"Nope."

She thought for a moment while downing a tiny piece of lemon cake. "Ask."

"I've gotten a review of what's going on here in Boltophsberg from Marshall duBois. But he's an outsider, and a diplomat, so he's gonna miss shit, for both reasons. He might have some insights, yeah, but not insider knowledge. I got another viewpoint from Danica, and she's got her finger on the pulse of the City, but something tells me that while she knows a fair number of secrets, she wasn't gonna tell me any that would fuck her or hers over. Between drinking with him and showing him my ship, I got some info from Ivan, but he's even more close mouthed than Danica."

She nodded. "Go on."

"Yeah, what I need is a deep dive into what's going on here from someone who knows all the secrets, has Boltophsberg's best interests at heart, knows that I care equally about everybody here, which is to say enough I don't want anybody dying or hurting, but I'm fully willing to bring the pain and death if someone comes at me or mine. Shit seems like it's not sustainable, and I need to know as much as I can to try and figure out a way to make it so."

She head tilted again. "Why?"

I shrugged and nodded. "Fair question. Complex answer." I waited until she nodded. "If this whole place turns into a massive shitshow, I don't want it splattering on the Alliance. If the Europan Deities or Cities decide to bring shit at us, and they miss like a certain ex-sun Deity, I want to be able to help clean up that shit without someone questioning my motives. If random shit, not caused by Alliance or Boltophsberg or anything we did comes down, I want to know about it and be ready to help, again without people thinking there's some kind of Alliance conspiracy going on."

"Isn't there?"

I thought about that for a split second, and Kitten's words from Muscogee echoed through my head. "Well, yeah, kinda, but it's not, like, a secret." At Baba's nod, I explained. "The Alliance tries to be the best neighbor we can be, and shows off what being in the Alliance is like, mostly by giving our neighbors free access to that good good, and eventually those neighbors just... ask to join."

She frowned, then worked her mouth like she was tryna work the flavor out of something. Eventually she said, "conquest by friendship? How... novel." Then she pursed her lips and nodded. "So be it." She poured me another cup of tea, then pulled another couple plates of noshes out of nowhere. "Settle in, this might take a while."

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