Lauren's voice was incredulous. "You can't be serious."

Katya just looked upon me with bemusement. I couldn't tell if she was amused by my intentions or my naïveté.

We sat again by the fire in Castle Oakcrest. I longed to be outside. I thought of the pavilion amongst the fruit trees. I wanted the space to breathe that the place afforded. There were bitter memories there. There was embarrassment there, but there was space. Alas, where I could take my leisure among those leafless branches, the mortals I sat with would not enjoy the biting cold of winter.

I thought for a moment about the instant I had spoken to Katya at the pavilion. In the aftermath, I had never really imagined I could speak to either of them ever again. But I had so few friends, and they welcomed me so easily. I wondered if maybe my openness with them was rooted in that mortification. They had seen me cut bare, flesh and bone peeled away, just my raw vulnerable heart exposed. After showing them that, maybe it was easy to share my dark secrets. My heart did not beat with panic at telling them of my plans. Plans that could be construed as treasonous. Plans that could see me stripped of my suit.

I said, "I have to go. I need to know what else he has to tell me."

Lauren said, "Montagnion is a madman. He's a wildknight, but the worst kind. He's a bogeyman. You know he's probably stronger than you, even now? Danefer was stronger than you, even with your Griid-suit. You needed that Minnesota suit to save you. Do you think Montagnion would be any weaker? He built the whole empire with his own two hands! Any power Danefer has, Montagnion may have more. If not for yourself, think of the city. What would happen if Montagnion killed you? Lance would probably take up the suit!"

I vacantly heard myself say, "What's become of Lance?"

Katya giggled.

Lauren frowned. "That's not what we're talking about."

I said, "But what has befallen him? Nobody can say where he is. I've inquired."

Lauren stood firmer. "We can talk about that later."

Katya leaned forward in her seat. "What does your voice think about your plan to meet with Montagnion?"

I shifted, a small anxiety tugging at me. "The voice isn't here right now. I don't think so anyway. I think it finds our conversations excruciating. I think it goes somewhere else. Maybe it's listening, but it knows I'm curious. It knows it can give me answers or I'll go elsewhere to find them."

Katya portrayed an expression of mock offense. "It finds us boring? Is that why you waited until now to tell us your crazy plan to meet a maddened ex-Griidlord in a secluded space?"

Lauren furrowed her brows. "Is that why you entertained my plans to run for Speaker so patiently?"

I squirmed. "No… I want to know about that as well. I trust Baltizar, but I trust you more. I think the city would be better off with you in the council. But… I was… I was waiting until I was sure it was gone before I told you."

Katya smirked. "I think I flitted away to another place as well while you considered at such considerable lengths the lords you felt you could count on for their vote and the lords you felt you still needed to convince. But to be fair, Ti has only had to listen to it once. I get to listen to it on a daily basis."

Lauren scowled. "Not daily…"

Katya said, "So what is it you hope to learn from Lord Montagnion? Or Lord Morningstar, if you meet him as well? In their impenetrable fortresses that the all-knowing voice can't reach?"

I shot her a look. I didn't think that Enki could see me. I couldn't know for sure that the entity wasn't lurking quietly, spying on me. Katya smiled, not betraying anything, but I could tell she understood my expression. Lauren too barely shifted as she read me.

I said, "I just want answers. Enki and I are tied together. It knows that, I know that. It can punish me, but it needs me. There's a strange balance there. I'm not free, but there's no total control over me either. Enki can't lie, but it can choose not to answer. If it won't answer my questions then it knows I'll go elsewhere for them. It can punish me for doing it, but I don't think it will. Enki has drawn lines, but it knows that if it makes the lines too numerous or too close, then I'll push back. What I did with Rosegold… it was stupid and costly… but it served a purpose in the end. Enki knows there's a point it can push me where I'll pull the whole thing down. It knows it can control me, but it knows it can't control me that much."

Katya shivered. "I don't like to think that it's here."

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I said, "It is definitely here sometimes."

Lauren only seemed to glare more defiantly. "Let it be. I'm not afraid of it."

A silence hung there after her statement. Maybe her expression faltered after the saying of it. Maybe there was a twitch of uncertainty on her beautiful statue face. If there was, then it faded, and it was replaced completely by that steadiness. I was reminded suddenly of Baltizar. She had the same ability to be made of rock. Only her eyes were never made of stone. Her eyes were always real and human. There was something in her that didn't belong to her class. I thought of the superior young woman I had met at the start of the Choosing, the one who wouldn't look on me as anything but dirt. That woman had morphed into something else. I wasn't sure what she had become, but I could see that this was someone who would serve all the people of Boston, and serve them well.

Katya said, "You seemed to be leading up to something when you started that thread. You must have known how we'd react. I hardly think you started rambling about your plans to meet Montagnion with an expectation that you'd get our unreserved blessing. So why?"

Lauren watched and waited. She too had the same insight. I was touched and unnerved that they could read me so well.

I said, "I have so much to do. I know you have busy lives as well. Your house won a whole Flow during the Choosing, and you must spend it. I know you have places to run for Speaker, and all the other exciting plans you have for the estate…"

Katya said, "But you have less time than us…"

I was speechless. I couldn't imagine how anyone could have more demands on their attention than I had.

Lauren said, "Go on, Ti. She's not mocking you. I have a lot on my plate, but I get struck constantly by the storm of loose ends you face."

I said, "I just… don't know where to start…"

Katya said, "Then tell us what you wanted to say. What do you want from us?"

I worked my mouth for a moment, starting and then stopping. I felt my heart drumming behind my ribs. Why was this so hard? How were they able to see through me so clearly?

I heard myself babbling, "I have to go to Dodge to see Cassius. There are people there, and interests, I can't just ignore them. Harold is basically arranging the construction of Castle Bloodsword on his own with almost no input from me. Morningstar—if he'll ever talk to me again—is awaiting a response. There's the locked door in the basement where Father died, Dirk's folk—"

Katya cut me off. "And Racquel, awaiting a rendezvous…"

I blushed.

Lauren said, "Ti, you're our friend. We care for you. We truly do. We can see the burdens on you. You're the Sword, but you're also the master of an empire you never wanted. There's so much there. If there's something we can do to lighten the load… we'll do it."

I hesitated. It had all come to this after all. I had come here with an intention. They could read it as clear as day. Why did I hesitate? I needed to share some of the load, and these were the only ones I felt I could trust. They were the only ones who knew...

Part of me didn't want to give it up. Part of me wanted it for myself. But the larger part of me knew that I had to. I couldn't attend to all the things that needed attention. I had to share it. I needed help.

I reached to the fold in my armor. I felt the sheath of particles part as I reached for it. I saw their eyes alight with interest as I reached for the gap in my suit.

I said, "I want this for myself, but I know I can't give it the attention it needs."

I held the diary of John the Dispeller before them. Their eyes lit at the sight of it. Katya's face practically exploded with excitement.

"Can… can I burden you with this?"

***

Outside, in the coolness of the night, I paused before gathering the Footfield. It seemed I was alone there, beneath the shadows of the walls. Rare, to be alone.

A rustle of cloth behind me drew my attention.

"Oh," I said. "It's you."

Katya stood there, small in the darkness.

She said, "You gave me a gift."

I frowned. "That's not a gift. It has to go back."

She smiled, sweetly — that strange wisdom she carried, as if her years stretched beyond her age. "The gift is the distraction. The mystery. My people always return a gift."

She held out a knife, offering it.

I took it, not telling her it was worthless to me. She knew. Still, I turned it over in my hands, examining it under SIGHT. The blade was old — dark, brittle, almost crystalline. The handle was carved into the shape of an alligator. Fine threads of gold chain tinkled from anchor points on the handguard.

She said, "This is a S'kar. It's tradition to gift these to children of good houses who will not inherit. It's meant to guide you to purpose."

She reclaimed the knife, suspending it by its chains. I watched it rotate slowly, coming to rest pointed toward the city. She twisted the chains; the blade spun, then settled again toward the city.

"It points to Order. To the Towers. It always finds its direction."

I said, "I can find Towers."

Her smile turned faintly scornful. "Your gift to me was an item, but more than the item. So is this. This is a reminder — and a burden, Ti."

"Oh yeah," I muttered. "I was looking for more burdens."

She ignored me. "Do you know why I chose you as my focus during the Choosing? There were others. Finer lines. Stronger claims."

I said, "My money?"

She shrugged. "A little. But mostly, I saw putty. A man I could mold. Easy life, pliable partner."

I glanced back toward the castle where Lauren remained. "How's that working out for you?"

She laughed softly. "That's how the heart makes fools of the head. My point stands. Whatever your father did to you, whatever your sickness, you need a path out of where you lie. You need purpose."

"I have purpose."

"What? Fighting for Orbs every year for a thousand years? For what? For whom? You'll follow Baltazar, or someone else, until your last day — always craving approval." She stepped closer. "You need to walk the path you want. You wanted the suit for yourself, and you won it. What next?"

She handed the knife back.

"Keep it. A reminder." Her voice softened. "Do you want to be a slave to the voice, a puppet of a Lord Supreme — or the prince of your own future?"

As she said it I felt the truth crashing down on me. I had gone from one father, controlling me, designing me, only to seek another. I had been released by coincidence when my father died, but I tied myself to Baltizar, was punished and controlled by Enki.

The rush of shame was subsumed by a blaze of anger.

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