E-1 leads us straight home after I'm done in the library. She says we'll see the inside of the government building soon enough, whenever they recover Clover, or when the next storm is close to ending.

Cassie relaxes a little when we're finally through the heavy metal gates leading into our hotel, but tension still remains until we're back in our room. That's not to say she completely relaxes, not while E-1 is still in here.

"Alright deary." E-1 pulls out the chair while Cassie and I sit on the edge of the bed. Corax remains perched on my shoulder, ready to help. "Do you know what therapy entails?"

"I know you're supposed to talk." That's the last thing I want to do with someone I don't know, but I can't say no. She already knows that though, she lived my life.

"Yes, talking is important." She laughs. "But that's just part of it. The goal is to help you work through everything that has happened, to reconsider things you never have, to accept what happened and help you grow past it. This will be rough, we're going to have to talk about hard topics, things you want to ignore and forget. But it's always working towards the goal of helping you. Ok?"

"Ok." I say quietly. Corax climbs from my shoulder and I squeeze him to my chest.

"Cassie, have you ever been to therapy?" E-1 asks.

"Uh, kind of." She says.

"Did it help?"

"Kind of." She repeats.

"Well hopefully I can do better than 'kind of'. Now, none of that is to say you don't have any say in what's happening. If things get too bad, we can always stop and move onto a different topic and come back when you're ready. Don't be afraid to tell me if you need to stop, but equally, therapy requires you pushing yourself a little and being honest with yourself."

"Ok." I repeat quietly.

"I'd like to start then, if that's ok with you."

"I guess."

"I'd like to start with a question then." E-1 says. "Who is Kara to you?"

Cassie places a gentle hand on my thigh, and Kara sits beside me, her arms crossed, waiting for my answer. I pin my eyes to Corax. The rest of them are going to be lurking nearby.

How am I even supposed to answer that? What does that even mean? I just need to answer before I spiral. Who is she to me?

"She's my mom." I say. That's the only fact I have.

"Did you know I'm a mom too?" E-1 asks.

I don't respond. I don't know why that's important.

"In my experience, it's not possible for a mother to hate her child."

"Her child didn't kill her." Kara says, stabbing to the center of my mind.

"I know." I tell her. "Your kids didn't kill you."

"And you didn't kill Kara." E-1 says gently.

"Yes I did!" I can't help but yell. "There must have been an alarm in the laptop I missed."

"You took control of that laptop. Did it have an internet connection?" E-1 asks.

"Then they already knew where it was and I killed everyone by not hacking it sooner! If I didn't push myself further than I should have, I could have hacked the laptop instead of wasting three days half dead."

"That's an assumption with no basis in reality." E-1 says. "You can't know what would have happened if things happened differently."

That's easy for her to say.

"Is Kara with you now?" E-1 asks. "Is that who you were talking to before?"

I give a small, jerky nod.

"You know she's not real, right?"

I give another jerky nod. That doesn't stop her from trying to make me do things, or from hurting me.

"She's just a creation of your subconscious. What role does she always take in your hallucinations?"

"I don't want to remember them."

"Coward." Kara's word stabs to the center of my mind. "You don't deserve to forget them."

"Fine." I mumble. She was the last to show up for my birthdays and made sure I knew every single person I killed. She taunts me every time I start to slip. "She always makes sure I get what I deserve."

"And what do you think you deserve?" E-1 asks.

I just shrug. They won't like the answer.

"I think you do know." E-1 prods.

Fine.

"Everything. I deserve everything." I say.

"Not true." Corax says from my arms and gently nibbles on my finger.

"That's a good start." E-1 gently reassures me. "It sounds to me that Kara is born from your guilt. Now that we know the source, we can work on it. But first, we need to figure out everyone's source so we can decide which one we want to tackle first. What do the others do?"

Who is the easiest to start with? Finn doesn't show up very often. Maybe him?

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"Finn is angry at me for killing him while he was still young." I say quietly.

"Alright, and what do you think that means?" E-1 asks.

I just shrug.

"It's ok if you don't know, deary." E-1 says gently. "Can I tell you what I think? It doesn't make it true, just gives you something to think about."

I shrug again.

"I think he's similar to Kara, stemming from your regret. But whereas Kara is a more general guilt, Finn is guilt over losing specific people."

Once again, I shrug. I don't want to think.

"What about the others?"

"Simon just hurts me." She already knows all of this, why do I have to say any of this? "I don't know why."

"Do you think it could be literal? A hatred of yourself manifesting in emotional self harm?"

I don't want to be here. She said I have to go through an hour of this. I just need to get through it. I fall to my side and let my head rest on Cassie's shoulder and she wraps a comforting arm around me.

"What about the others?"

"Jared reads names and stories of people who didn't get to finish their lives for me."

"It sounds like we're still on guilt then. Instead of for specific people like Finn, it's for everyone else. People you don't know and your subconscious created to punish you. What about the last one?" She doesn't wait for me to not respond before moving on.

"Mary just stares."

"Do you want to take a guess for the last one?" E-1 asks.

I shake my head.

"That's alright." She reassures me. "I think it would make sense if it was guilt over secrets you feel like you've kept. Which one do you want to work on today?"

"I think you've done enough." Cassie says and pulls me a little further into her. "How about you let her rest?"

"Is that what you want, Blue?" E-1 asks.

"No." I say weakly. "If I stop we can't stay."

"We're not going to kick you out." E-1 says gently. "If that's all you can take, that's alright deary. We can end here for today."

My eyes flick to Kara for just a moment. Her eyes are full of disappointment, already knowing my answer. I can't let her be right.

I return my eyes to Corax and shake my head.

"We can start with whoever." I say.

"Alright. I think Mary is the easiest place to start. Do you have any secrets you feel like you're keeping from Cassie?"

I glance up at Cassie and shake my head.

"You know what happened with the laptop. That's the only important thing." I return my eyes to Corax. "Did you ever tell Vince or Ivy?"

"No." Cassie's cheek rubs against my hair. "They didn't need to know."

"And it's too late to fix that." I say.

"I'd like you to do something for me. You have a tablet, right?" E-1 asks.

Cassie reaches into my backpack for me and passes it to me. I don't want to let go of Corax, and she ends up just setting it in her lap.

"I want you to write something for me. I want you to write down everything you want to tell Vince and Ivy. Let them know everything that happened, everything you shared with Cassie. You can't tell them right now what happened, but you can be prepared to tell them the moment you see them. It's not exactly telling them what happened right this moment, but it's taking every step we can to be ready as soon as you get them back."

I reluctantly take one hand off Corax and hold my wrist up to Cassie, sliding two skin plates to the side and revealing the port beneath. Luckily she knows exactly what I want, and plugs the tablet into me wordlessly.

"Now, I don't want you to hold anything back." E-1 says. "Tell them everything that happened, don't change anything. Don't make things better, and don't make things worse than reality. Trust them to make their own decisions, just like Corax, Cassie and I did."

I guess I can do that. I just dump my memories directly onto the tablet. Every feeling, every sight, every thought through my head. The entire thing ends up being tens of thousands of words long, but that's what I'm supposed to be doing.

"Can you check it?" I pull the cord out of my own wrist with my fingers and return my hand to Corax.

Cassie offers the cord to E-1, but doesn't give her the tablet itself. E-1 plugs herself in, and a moment later a smile covers her face.

"This is perfect." She says. "I've edited down a condensed version and saved it to the tablet as well, just so you don't have to wait a few hours for a response." She unplugs herself, and Cassie sets the tablet to her side. "I know that's the biggest secret you think you're carrying, but is there anything else?"

"They don't know about Cassie and I."

"Actually, let me deal with that." Cassie says. "Just trust me, it'll be easier that way."

"Ok." Do I have any other secrets that need to be revealed? I need to tell a lot more people than just Vince, Ivy, and Lucas what I've done, but I don't think there's anything else. "I'm not going to feel good until I give it to them."

"That's alright, we've done what we can. From my perspective, that's the only secret you think you're keeping. But, is there anything else you need to tell everyone?"

"I need to tell everyone I'm sorry for killing them again, but that won't fix anything."

"Why don't we try?" E-1 asks. "Let's do the same thing, write them a letter and tell them everything."

"I guess." I hold my wrist up to Cassie, and she plugs me back in. I just flood the tablet with information. I can't even think about what I'm putting on this, I just need to say everything.

Once done, I grab the tablet from Cassie and pass it to Kara. She spends a few seconds flipping through everything, but doesn't say anything once she finishes. I pass the tablet back to Cassie and return to holding Corax.

"What did she say?" E-1 asks.

"Nothing."

"Do you think that's good or bad?" She asks.

I just shrug. I've said all this to them before. It's not going to change anything.

"That's alright. We'll just have to see if it helps. At the very least, it won't make things worse."

It could give them more ammunition, but it's nothing they don't already know. I guess she's right.

"Alright, how about we end it there deary?" E-1 asks. "I fear your girlfriend is going to attack this body if I cause you any more stress." She laughs and pushes herself to her feet. "Before I go, I want to give you a little bit of homework. Spend some time thinking about what happened, but if Cassie or Corax was the one it happened to. Focus on what you would think of their actions and what you would tell them."

"I'll try." I say quietly.

She lets herself out, and closes the door behind her.

Cassie lowers my head gently into her lap and hunches over me, surrounding me in the same way I'm surrounding Corax.

"Do you want to lay down?" Cassie asks.

I shake my head.

"I want to go somewhere quiet and let my mind work."

"Alright." Cassie moves my head and stands up. She holds her hand out for me to take, and I reach out, releasing Corax from my grasp.

I let her pull me to my feet and follow her outside the building and towards the gate. She leads Corax and I out into the garden, and deep into the rows of trees. She stops at the base of a large cherry tree and looks up.

"Do you think you can climb up?" She asks.

I nod and reach up for the lowest branch. It's nice to be able to focus on climbing. It's tough, but doable to hoist myself up. I sit on the lowest, thickest branch, and Corax lands on a smaller branch just next to my head.

Cassie gracefully scrambles up next to me. She moves so quickly, appearing almost as if gravity doesn't affect her. She settles in directly next to me, balancing easily on the branch.

"Is this better?" She asks.

I nod.

"Good." She reaches for a nearby branch, picks a cherry, and pops it into her mouth. I can't help but smile at the surprise on her face.

"That's so fucking good!"

I let my head fall onto hers. I can finally just relax and let my mind churn, trying to create something to optimize Cassie and Corax's servos as far as possible.

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