Excerpt from The Profound and Pretty Princess' Ultimate Guide to Cultivation, Captivation, Cuteness, and Carving Your Way to the Top, English Edition (the worst-selling guide in the history of Putijama)

On the Mating Habits of Sapient Beasts

Wouldn't you like to know 🤣 There are probably a few programs on your AAI but I'll leave it up to you to figure out and/or imagine.

Vana woke me as usual with a knock on the door but she was already three doors down by the time I was 'decent' enough to open mine. She tossed her head back and I took that to mean go downstairs and eat.

After a typical early morning of breakfast and then heavy training with Risto – both with and without a gaggle of kids trying to take me down; though my improved sub-Tier, being at the bottom of Tier 1.2, made it far easier to fend off the little monsters – I started to work through my list.

[Incoming Message from Uros Barno: Meeting set with Merchant ClawPaw as requested. He knows you are going to be asking some odd questions and a bit about your history – what's public at least. But still, don't be speciesist.]

Normally, that comment would have set me off but I was meeting with a damn talking panda and I had a lot of questions that were probably inappropriate.

I discussed it a bit with 'The Crew' – what Gabor and Risto had started calling our little group of five, much to Tiesa's feigned annoyance – but all I really knew about sapient beasts on Putijama was they existed, they were born intelligent – or about as intelligent as a human baby and progressed at about the same rate as people – and they mostly kept to themselves.

"Merchant, it is so lovely to meet you. I brought a few gifts but am not sure what might be offensive based on stereotypes," I said with a bow. While the merchant was a Tier 3, Tiesa said they'd be executed within a few minutes if they harmed me and there were even AAI-based assurances as to the safety of customers and partners in official merchant meetings.

How this is an official meeting, I still don't know. Thanks to Uros and Nikolaj.

"Dude, I smell that honey. Give it here." The massive bear with panda-like markings but far more aggressive teeth and claws held out his huge paw and made a 'gimme' motion, flexing his claws towards himself. Each one was capped with a rubber implement that looked functional for using fine dexterity and also preventing any accidental disemboweling.

I was somewhat expecting him to make bear-like noises but he spoke completely normally for a human, which confused me to no end as I didn't understand how his voice box worked.

"Okay, so good nose," I said laughing, pulling out three large honeycombs from my spatial storage bag. "I handled them for about five seconds before putting them in there."

"Yup. Good nose, good deals, good vibe. Ya know?" he said happily as he crunched into one of the large sticky messes.

How do you ask sensitive questions to a surfer dude merchant?

"Yeah, so as you can see, I have a beast bond and I was hoping to get more information about beasts that might help me with him," I said hopefully.

"Ha dude, you're climbing up the wrong tree. We're super different from the bonds. Those things are weird, created by rifts. No offense to you and he'll always be too dumb to take offense. Well, offense at my words, seems he's getting a little grumpy at me not sharing." His smile grew wider as he bit into the second of the large and apparently delicious treats. "Too bad they don't have any of the good stuff around here. You know, that makes the honey more… fun?"

"Ha yeah, too bad!" I said a little too loudly.

Isekonsultant Tip to Thriving #30: When someone is hinting at drugs but not asking you to partake, just go with the flow. No need to 'harsh their buzz' as the kids say. Or did say 50 years ago on another planet. You don't need to do drugs to be okay with others taking them.

The bear chuckled and pulled something from a pouch, draining it. "Okay dude, you said you brought presents. As in plural. Whip 'em out."

I brought out a resizable hat that Tiesa promised me would look 'very fetching' on the giant bear as well as a few types of meat and a trail mix of nuts and berries.

"I mean, yeah the meat is good but it's not like I'm gonna eat it raw." He stored it in his ring with a bit of an eyeroll. "Now dude, stop tiptoeing around and ask stuff man." The bear gave a small yawn and started snacking on the nuts. He tossed a few to Steve, who was pretty hit-or-miss on catching them given his still diminished eyesight.

"Merchant ClawPaw—"

"My dude," he said exasperatedly, "drop the formal stuff. I. Don't. Care. Nikolaj is my dude. I know you don't have a formal license yet so it had to go through that other dude but still. My dude. He said you're from another world, which is so cool man. Like far out, but literally, ya know?" He chuckled a bit and then abruptly stopped. "Wait, are worried about me eating you? That would be kinda speciesist but like, Niko calls me Fuzzybutt. What do I care?"

Do I really want to call him that?

"I assume that's not your name, do you have one I can call you? Just feels weird to—"

"Ha, nope. Sent a message to Niko and he said to make you use it. Ha. Wait, whoops, wasn't supposed to tell you. Eh, whatever. You're calling me Fuzzybutt!"

"Okay, fine. But what can you tell me about sapient beasts here on Putijama? And how do they have any relation – if at all – to beast bonds?"

He didn't respond until I finally added, "Fuzzybutt."

Over the next hour, the very laid back Ursa explained there were seventeen different sapient beast species on the planet and that they were a few sprinkled throughout the Kingdoms – like the squirrel I encountered – but most lived in larger congregations, either of their own species or a couple of towns dominated by beasts with a mix of species.

It was tougher on the animals without appendages that made living a modern life easy, so the camels for instance lived on the edge of the desert in a pretty open and laidback 'town' of large yurts that friendly humans built for them.

There were legends as to how the sapient beasts came to be but the same was for humans. It seemed a great magical cataclysm around four hundred years ago wiped the records clean and no one really knew much about anything before that. There were also more legends about coming from across the seas but there was a violent storm that prevented exploration to that area of the world.

As for how the sapient beasts and bonds related, there wasn't any relation other than they both existed and both were not humans. Even the few bonds that matched the same general species as a sapient beast, they didn't even come close. Fuzzybutt cut me off before I could ask about interbreeding – though I liked to think I wouldn't have – saying that there weren't any official records because that would be having sex with a non-sapient animal and, as he said, "That's hella gross dude."

When I asked about bonds getting to a level of sapience, he just shrugged. "Never heard of it happening so eh, doubt it's in the cards. Sorry my little dude." He was kind to Steve even if he didn't feel any kinship with him through simply being not human.

We wrapped up and connected permanently via AAI. I barely remembered to ask what he actually sold as we were leaving. It was mostly textiles so, since I had Sofia and Deva as my clothing hookups, I didn't feel the need to browse his wares.

***

As I was in the area, I swung by the Council who were meeting in a closed-door session. Lurka took me into a side chamber.

"You owe me something nice. I like chocolate and cheese," the gigantic slender man said to me, raising a bony hand to point at me from across the table.

"Why in the world is that?" I asked, genuinely confused.

"Some of the Councilors were ill-prepared for your meeting and therefore, we'll say did not fully leverage their incredible depth of judgement. So now I have to prep every single petitioner for far longer before they can meet with the Council than I did previously," he said giving me an annoyed look.

"Ha, sorry if the people running the town aren't used to, you know, actually speaking with people as part of running the town," I said sardonically.

Really? He's trying to hit me with the blame on this one?

Isekonsultant Tip to Thriving #31: Sometimes you should take the loss even when you are winning or have won. If it doesn't cost much and gains some allies or prevents a bridge from being burnt, be the bigger person and admit defeat.

"You know what, I am sorry if I made your job harder. I did what I thought was right and Steve didn't have time to screw around relative to healing. But I recognize my actions negatively impacted you and for that, I'm genuinely sorry. What kinds of chocolate or cheese do you like?" I asked, getting ready to take down a note.

"You have to figure it out," the man said with a smile.

I gave him a flat look and he responded with a rather creepy laugh, almost like he was a creaking door.

"Back to the point of my visit," I said, trying to get us mildly on track, "I want more pressure put on the Purveyors of Platinum relative to the Milica assassination attempt."

"And what are you willing to trade for it?" he asked with a small smile.

We negotiated for about 45 minutes and came to an agreement.

"So, to be clear, your offer is that you'll have the affinity conversion rituals performed tomorrow night, you will give preferential fee schedules on anything banking related to the Council and any members of their family, and you'll reduce your percentage fees on your delves of rifts controlled by Velez, correct?"

"If you mean will I agree to that for just a 'We'll look into it', the answer is obviously no. I have to see movement before my side of the agreement kicks in. Let's do this: rituals tomorrow as an exchange for the increased pressure. If the Purveyors give more information to the guard or me, then I will do the reduced fees on rifts. But as I said, only for six months. Yes, of course I caught that Lurka."

He scoffed and I ignored it and continued.

"If we catch the culprit, preferential fees for banking for the Council and their families. Hell, I'll even throw in mistresses or whatever for that." I was a little tired from the long conversation and realized I was in shooting-the-shit mode: I'd made a mistake as Teodor Bondar was part of a large harem or polycule. "Eh, scratch that last part, I don't want to single out Teodor as an exception."

Lurka chuckled lowly and smiled. "Good thing you said something so quickly. I am in real time communication you know…"

After another few minutes of negotiation, the Council agreed to meet with me for three minutes and I luckily had my good outfit on me. All went exactly as Lurka agreed beforehand and I was able to leave with an agreement and a smug sense of satisfaction.

***

After a late-morning training session with Risto and the remaining members of The Order of the Ever-Consuming Glider, I headed off for lunch with Aras, Risto, and Milda Grickus, a Tier 2 mostly former student of Risto's – she still took lessons and had a once-a-week class at the schoolhouse – that he nominated for our Tier 2 delver.

"Aras, good to see you, this time in far better circumstances," I said, shaking his hand as we were escorted into a private room at the town hall again.

"Same," was all he said.

At my eyeroll, he laughed for a second but quickly schooled himself.

"Terry, meet Milda. She's the one I was telling you about. Amazing boxer. With cultivation restriction bands, I bet she could beat Tiesa," Risto said excitedly.

"Mr. Lazarov, while I appreciate the confidence, I think that is entirely inappropriate to say or believe," Milda said primly, folding her hands in front of her despite standing. The young teen was probably only 15 at my guess with curly orange hair marked with brown streaks and languid red eyes. Despite being about two heads shorter than me, her bulging muscles in her sleeveless tunic were intimidating.

If you spot this narrative on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"No, no, you know I hate being called that. It's Risto! That's it!"

"Yes, and when you say dumb sodus shit, I feel the need to distance myself from you, Mr. Lazarov." She kept her face almost as passive as Aras despite Risto making a litany of noises in protest.

Karel's swear word translation module was getting better but was still a little rickety.

"Well Milda, nice to meet you. And nicer to find someone to give Risto grief. This lunch is on the city so get whatever you want. Aras, this lunch is on the city and I will itemize it to point out your dishes unless you order within reason." I smiled at his look of offense before he nodded once.

"Don't I get instructions?" Risto pouted.

"Of all the people here, are you the one that needs a minder more than anyone else?" I asked.

"Yes," came four responses as the attendant assigned to take our orders stuck their head in the door.

At my look, he shrugged. "I had Risto for a teacher and by about ten, I think we were more mature than him."

We ordered a large amount of food and the table was soon groaning while we ate through it. Aras was his usual laconic self while Risto was as excitable as ever.

We took turns holding Steve so as to not let him loose on the table and so I would actually have a chance to eat as well. The food was quite good as always.

"So, I have to ask, why me?" Milda asked abruptly as we were pretty much through the early meal small talk. Risto winced. Aras turned to give her a bit of an appraising look. "What? You really think I'm the only person who fits the bill of Tier 2 and competent? I'm not even connected."

Good, no BS and sensible. That's one of the reasons Milda. But your guts are another.

"Well, I asked and Risto recommended you within five seconds of me even bringing up the possibility. And he has yet to even mention another person." She swallowed heavily.

"I trust his judgement," and at Aras' small giggle, I laughed too, adding, "at least in this area. From my experience, if there's only one name, that usually means that person is quite good and the right fit. I also had my friend in the guard look into you and your record." Milda looked slightly afraid at that. "Don't worry, I saw the scraps you had with those rich kids from a slightly… different light. Your willingness to stand up for what's right mattered, even if it was standing up to power."

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Still, this seems like it's at least somewhat political and I don't have the backing to keep myself out of trouble."

Clever girl.

"Oh Moldy, you know I wouldn't put you in a spot you couldn't handle!" Risto said enthusiastically before pounding back half a mug of ale.

"Yes, you would. That combat final, you sent four people at least 5 sub-Tiers ahead of me to attack. Barely made it out without injury."

"See, you could handle it!" Risto said triumphantly.

"Yeah, let's just do what most people do and ignore Risto," I said to an indignant squawk. Steve made a rather impressive imitation of his noise and that set the conversation to a bit of a lighter mood.

"Let's get real though. First, from what I've seen from recordings, you're a very competent delver. Two, your past of not really minding punching the kid of a minor local noble – yes Risto, I know Velez claims they don't have nobles… – you stood up for the kid they were bullying. And it was recent enough that you had to know it might blow back but you did it anyway. We need people who are going to do the right thing."

She gave me a long appraising look and went to speak but I held up my hand with a smile. "Not done saying why yet. Your style lends well to defending yourself. You don't have noble backing so this opportunity represents a boon for you, at least financially but also presumably in your standing in the community. It also means you're far less likely to be a giant pain when we negotiate terms or anything." Aras snorted slightly.

"Yes Aras, I know you will be a pain but I think you're probably worth it. Probably. But, back to you Milda."

I waited for Milda to interject but she motioned for me to continue.

I fixed her with prolonged eye contact. "You've done a lot. Risto has kept tabs on you and your work in the community and your work ethic on training and delving. You remind me of a few people I've met. Many of those people would have been something big, been wildly successful, if they got one break, one opportunity. Or they were successful because they got one. I don't think you even need this to become what you want. But I think you deserve it and will make big things from it. Plus, I'll be honest, I can probably get reasonable and rational AAI-backed guarantees without issue from you."

Isekonsultant Tip to Thriving #32: You can win people over by hitting them with the unvarnished truth. Butter them up a bit first, lay out the flattery. But by showing you aren't hiding the downsides, you'll engender more trust and you won't have to deal with them digging for every little drawback. Show you see them as an adult and you'll get trust in return.

I laughed but she gave me a slightly pained look.

Crap, did I go too far?

"What?" I asked cautiously.

"Her chip isn't paid off. The person controlling the loan has to approve anything that would be guaranteed." Risto looked a bit embarrassed. Milda gave him an eyeroll. "Yeah, I should have mentioned it, I know. But I was too excited for you to remember something like that!"

"How much?" I asked.

"Excuse me?" Milda said giving me a wary look.

I looked back at her just as confused. "How much is left on your loan?"

"22 gold, 40 silver," she said hesitantly.

"Oh, that's not too bad! I think if we do the three delves we have scheduled for tomorrow and the day after, I can get enough together to pay that off. We'll just pay you out at 50% rate on your delve earnings until you've cleared 22 gold off, sound good? Sorry, not gonna do it for free." I went back to focusing on my plate for a second until I noticed the dead silence in the room.

"What?"

***

After Risto escorted Milda out shortly after my apparently awkward proposal, I asked Aras to hang back. We were summarily given the choice of being ejected from the room or ordering more food. Despite the two-to-one vote of more food from Aras and Steve, I didn't want to step on any goodwill I had with the Council over feeding either glutton.

"I have ideas about where we could go to chat but—"

"Let's do mine," Aras said and started walking. Figuring he meant his house, I followed.

We walked for a few minutes until we hit a residential district dotted with lovely two-story cottages. To my utter surprise, we stopped at the gate to a mostly bright pink home with a few random splotches across the pastel and neon spectrums. It had an incredible garden sporting an absolute riot of color.

At the look on my face, he just turned to me and said in a deadpan voice, "Surprise."

I rolled my eyes and we entered the gate and I marveled at the beautiful display of plants, both decorative and edible.

"I thought you were a minor noble or whatever here?" I asked confused.

"Third son. No estate for me," he replied as he led me through the front door.

The inside of the house was somehow more lurid than the out. Every bit of Aras' abode was extremely colorful and decorated in a wild spread of mismatched colors. To say it worked could only reference its ability to give one a headache. We entered a room that was a kind of hybrid living room and entertaining area with a large table for meals.

Sitting down at the orange table painted with pictures of different animals with added wings, I looked down at the flying pig and asked the question that was bothering me. "Okay, before we get into our conversation, what was up with that? Why did it get so weird? I thought that was a good deal." I ran my hand through my hair, only now remembering it was still pretty awful.

"Her reaction was normal. Thought you meant an AAI loan transfer. Private parties and loan transfers… nefarious dealings…" he said ominously.

"What, like slave labor?" I asked. I had been hoping I really wasn't going to have to deal with slavery and hadn't heard hide nor hair of it until now.

"Legally, no. In practice, yes. Many owners trade a lot of shady work, including less appropriate things, for reducing debts owed."

"Ugh, she's a kid!" I yelled, immediately after which I heard a curse and some muttering from upstairs.

"Yes. And that would be illegal. And disgusting. But it can happen." He shook his head bitterly. "Or you could sell to The MM."

"Do they have slavery in The Monetary Might Kingdom?" I asked, suddenly sidetracked.

"After a fashion. Indentured servitude. All about money there."

"Just what the hell is going on in my house?!" An angry voice came from the stairs, punctuated with a stomping. "Who is fool enough to come into my home and interrupt my nap and not think they'll get a nice close meeting with my hand?"

"Ah. Meet the wife."

A woman dressed, if possibly, even more loudly than the décor entered with a furious look on her face. "Dear husband, what the jebbie fuck are you doing allowing such a ruckus? And who is this moron being so loud? I know I'm gorgeous but I still need my beauty sleep to be that bit extra gorgeous." The blonde woman sporting a pageboy haircut, bright pink eyes, and a patterning of makeup across her face that probably represented the entire color wheel struck a pose with her hand on her hip.

"This is Terry. He has a job offer. He's new." Aras gave a small shrug.

How the heck do these two match in the slightest?

"Oh, you're that sex machine but not guy. Yeah, heard about you. Don't! Be! Loud! In! My! House!" She punctuated every word with a clap and a stomp, being rather loud in her house. At a normal volume, she turned back to her husband. "I thought you were already looking at that job with the Council. What does this weird Tier 1 have that could beat that?"

"He is the one offering that," Aras said with a slight jerk of the head towards me.

"Oh. Well I guess that just means we're going to have to get a better split of the loot after you were so rude in my house." She sat at the table with a smile that said butter wouldn't melt in her mouth.

Well, shit.

***

After an hour and a half negotiation with Aras and his wife, in which I learned far too much about his personal life, I had Risto bring Milda and her mother over to Tiesa and Gabor's. We had Nikolaj join too.

"Okay, this might look bad, like I lined up some big powerful people to force you into a contract. That's actually the opposite. Tiesa, Jasna, hit her with it," I said as we settled into the living room. We had to bring in the chairs from the kitchen to fit everyone.

Milda's eyes went wider than I thought possible. I started to wonder if she was using a skill.

She looked dumbly from me to Tiesa to Jasna and back about six times. I had worked with them on the wording but each woman put her own flair on the AAI-backed guarantees that they would do their best to kill me should I pressure her for anything untoward. We tried to extend it for life but it wouldn't work as AAIs would not allow something so vague for so long with their limited monitoring capacity so it was for five years.

Her mother, getting increasingly worried, finally spoke up. "Um, I'm not sure what's going on here. Just Risto here said this was a good thing? I trust him but can someone explain?"

We spent the next hour drawing up the contract for our loot split with a number of contingencies, mostly based on if there was something where the value was hard to determine, and had Nikolaj carefully explain all the details.

By the end, Milda was in tears and Risto and Tiesa had to take her for a walk around the block. When she returned, she still looked shellshocked, just less so.

"I'm sorry. I heard you were some kind of pervert and… crap, didn't mean to say that. I just—"

I went to lay a hand on her shoulder but she flinched back. I sighed slightly. "Risto can explain the body double thing. Again, I want to give you your deserved shot. That's why we brought this group together. No offense but, at least to me, you're still a kid." She rolled her eyes then looked mortified. I laughed.

I put on my best parent giving a serious talk but not talking down voice. "No really, I am more than twice your age, at least in number of days lived. Risto will explain. You're a kid. A hard working and smart kid who is going to do awesome and also make me a lot of money. But we're business partners and I hope we can get to friends. But nothing more. Not now. Not ever. Make sense?"

"I thought my debt was going to take another few years to pay off so it's overwhelming and I'm waiting for the giant trap you laid but I can't see it. And that's still causing me anxiety." She couldn't look me in the eye.

"Yup, makes sense. But you were in the lunch meeting with Aras today because he's my other choice. If you want, I can give you his details and you can ask him to look over your contract. I want to give you time to have the contract analyzed but we need an answer tomorrow simply because that's when the treatment happens. Take some time if you need." I got up to escort her to the door when I got a contract acceptance from both Milda and her mother.

It was getting late but we headed to the Purveyors of Platinum to pay off the contract in gold using Jasna's piggybank. I worked out a small deal with Jasna as well to give her interest as I paid down what I owed her.

[Updated Note: Money Owed

Jasna: 62.5 gold (37.5 gold gift to heal Steve fund, 25 gold reduction to Council charges to pay for Steve's first healing) -> 84.9 gold

Tiesa: 88.5 gold (37.5 gold gift to heal Steve fund, 25 gold reduction to Council charges to pay for Steve's first healing, 26 gold for the cape for Tiesa)]

While the two women had said the 25 gold from each was free, I still wanted to make sure to pay them back appropriately.

We said our goodbyes to the now smiling girl and her mother and I went to the blacksmith to pick up my new morningstar.

***

God, this thing looks so cool. And the force multiplier enchantment is going to be amazing.

I barely prevented myself from making whooshing noises as I swung it around. Sometimes a grown man needs to release his inner kid but I could do that later.

The gorgeous weapon was a black ball of death on the end of a long haft of glowing red, orange, and yellow metal, almost making it look like it was on fire. It felt heavy in my hand which was exactly what I'd asked for.

We inquired where the best place to get armor was. The blacksmith tried to say her but from looking at the wares, Risto gave her an eyebrow raise and she folded quickly, giving a good referral to a smith and enchanter brother sister duo.

I did offer her the commission to do Steve's rift cage but her supply of Tier 3 metal, which is what I required the Council to use, was miniscule so she pointed me to the same shop. Risto checked around with former students by AAI and got back a lot of positive feedback on where she referred us.

Risto and I chatted as we headed to the armor specialists.

"Didn't you get commissioned armor as part of the deal with Azarov?" Risto asked.

"Yeah, and that was like seven or eight days ago. I didn't have time to take advantage. Essentially I was almost killed, then went on a five-day trip to Pitola and back and then some stuff went down here. I've had one day that was just fun time where I could have done it but other than that, when?" I asked, somewhat indignantly at the implication I wasn't taking my defense seriously.

"Okay, okay, settle down there bud. Let's get you what you need." Risto sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically.

We spent almost an hour working with the armorer as Risto collaborated with Sofia over AAI to give me a 'really differentiated look' instead of just the typical protection of standard armor. I thought the shop owners were going to be annoyed but they liked the challenge of making it functional and fashionable. They even asked if they could literally put their shop's name on the butt of the pants.

The conversation about Steve's cage was much quicker as we put in some Tier 3 glass for observation, a significant amount of padding, and double reinforced bars.

Of course, the little nooks for storing food for him were the most tedious but probably important part to keeping him protected – otherwise, he'd try to escape.

This thing is probably going to be sturdier than the most ridiculous roll cage from Earth given the Tier 3 metal.

Steve's cage was set for pickup early the next day and the armor would take a bit longer but I didn't need a full new set for our Tier 1.0 delve the next day just outside town.

I opened up my notes app and was happy to populate a new entry:

Completed Tasks

[Look into sentient animals? Something for Steve?]

[Press Council to get more info on Milica assassination in the rift]

[Finalize null affinity procedure decisions and inform the Council and Melandra]

[Pickup morningstar, get new armor commissioned, get potions]

[Task Added: get potions]

We swung by Gabor and Tiesa's place and I got what Karel promised was the final update to my translation module that would make swearing totally normal. At least he promised me that then and immediately backed off said guarantee but it seemed to work well when everyone shouted obscenities at me for a few minutes.

It was a fun time with Risto but I gritted my teeth and headed towards the inn to prepare for the thing I dreaded most about the next few days: Dinner with Katarina.

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