Excerpt from The Profound and Pretty Princess' Ultimate Guide to Cultivation, Captivation, Cuteness, and Carving Your Way to the Top, English Edition (the worst-selling guide in the history of Putijama)

On Mundane Animals and Cultivation

Mundane animals can cultivate. They just can't cultivate very well. At all.

The spirit needs a level of sentience to develop essence channels – though rift bonds are the main known exception – and animals just don't have enough intelligence to create robust channels.

You can tier an animal up – in fact, many that are involved in war and survive are a reasonably high-Tier given their proximity to deaths of Tier 3+ individuals. But they can only absorb a tiny fraction of the amount of essence a person can, meaning they gain little in terms of strength.

There were attempts to use animals as essence sponges for delves with null essence but none survived past a single kill of a rift monster and bringing tens of animals into rifts was deemed impractical. Even with allocation bracelets to direct the null essence, the beasts could only absorb a small amount before dying, meaning most of the null still went back to the delvers.

While some people try to Tier up their pets to increase their lifespans, it doesn't really work well unfortunately.

As tired as I was post the Caravanner's Cuisine and Chat, I still wanted to really think through everything from the last few days, to consider short to long-term plans and ambitions. Well, I didn't really want to but knew I should and thus forced myself to go through with it.

First and foremost was the horror of the mood-altering potion – and if I was still under the effects of said long-lasting elixir. But I also wanted to reflect on the delves and if I was okay being carried through like I was helpless and/or useless. Then there was asking Jasna out but, for once, getting rejected didn't really bother me.

Collecting Steve from Jasna didn't feel awkward, with the woman giving me a small head nod as I stepped in to grab him. She put a finger to her lips, pointing his way. The little sugar glider was asleep on her pillow drooling slightly.

I trudged back to my room cradling him before placing him on the bed. Despite Steve being soundly asleep, I started my nightly ritual of using him as a rubber duck to talk to, something that working with programmers taught me was an effective strategy for problem solving and reasoning: just talk it out and you'll start to see better solutions.

"Okay Steve, let's start with the easy one first. At least re what to do. Why did I suddenly ask Jasna out? Not entirely sure but really, she's the only single woman kind of in my age range that I'm around ever, or at least the only one not Tilda and not going near that… Do I actually like her? Was it relief at realizing the issues with some things I've been doing wasn't me and wanting to do something impulsive?"

Pausing for a few seconds, I realized I was minimizing again. "Well, at least wasn't entirely me. Can't keep doing that…"

I sighed dramatically, not sure how I felt.

"She's been giving me straight answers and her actual thoughts about things… Everyone else seems to put the kid gloves on at least some of the time.

"On Earth, every woman I dated, they were 'Midwest nice', never really willing to have the deeper talks; every relationship was both of us walking on eggshells trying to march to the white picket fence ideal, but never able to really relax around each other. That is until we hit a dealbreaker – an 'Oh no no' – for one of us and broke up. The one who dumped me because I didn't like chocolate is still a bit funny though."

I looked over and the sleepy beast, now awake even if the drooling hadn't stopped, was giving me a glare that said get to the point.

"You're right, it doesn't matter. She said no so we move on and past it. But I still feel way better about being rejected than usual… So now I'm a bit concerned if I'm still under the potion." I looked to Steve as if he'd have answers. He picked his nose instead.

"Well, I'm also concerned about the general body chemistry plus potential modifications to this body… If Cornelius is in body that is pretty much exactly the same and is a piece of shit, or as my cousin would say, 'a right fuck nugget'…" I chuckled at remembering her favorite phrase.

The pang of homesickness was stronger than any I'd felt since my first few days on Putijama.

I walked over to start gently petting my sounding board.

"I'm just worked up that my reactions aren't my own, ya know? Like when I had a breakdown and it was just… muted." Steve tried to throw something at me but the bedsheet was far too unwieldy for his tiny body so he flopped off his throne of a pillow in a heap instead.

He sent a feeling down our link, this time of exasperation.

"Yeah, you're right. I think I just have to get it over with and meet Cornelius to see, to get a sense of if Barry just made these bodies wrong." It was already on my AAI list but I added a bit more emphasis in my mind to it.

Maybe when we sneak into Zalano?

I went over my feelings towards Barry, mostly an invective-laden tirade with Steve sleepily cheering me on. The end outcome was adding another thing to my list: have a talk with Barry too. Though I wasn't sure if it was merely to chew him out or for some kind of revenge. When I considered the latter, Steve seemed to perk up.

Does that mean it's what I really want or just a heightened emotion?

"Steve, my little guy, I can't wait until you're smart enough to actually answer. Are you going to be a therapist once we get that brain a little bigger?"

He gave an indignant squawk.

"Hey, not calling you stupid, just… you haven't fully realized your capabilities yet."

Looking at him again, I thought about the plan to only focus his essence into the intelligence circlet. It was clearly working but felt a bit wrong to not let him advance too.

"I'm feeling a little bad that you aren't even Tier 1.1 yet and I'm not that far, maybe two more days like today, from Tier 1.4. I think we'll let you start keeping more of the essence for yourself? Yeah, let's do that for the last rift tomorrow and have Ratmir test you?"

The small plate of food I ordered via AAI – this inn accommodating the request with grace, unlike my favorite establishment in Velez – arrived and Steve and I snacked, while I continued my thinking aloud. Steve sent a feeling of joy and contentment the second he ate his first olive. My stomach rumbled at my hunger. "You're right Steve, while the food was great, those merchants know nothing about portion size," I laughed.

"So, revenge… I think I want it on Barry, in some form or another, but what about the other plots? Two people, maybe far more, tried to have me killed! That's just unforgivable but is it unredeemable? I don't want to become the psycho but it kinda feels like the world is better off if I do try to get rid of them, you know?"

Steve threw a piece of food at me and I took it as an admonishment though I think his real anger was that I didn't try to catch it in my mouth.

"You're right, no euphemisms, no 'get rid of them'. I am asking that, if I have the chance, should I kill them? If they are going to come after me – after us—" I said, pointing between he and I, "—again, I think it's probable I have to eliminate… No, again, no euphemism. I will probably have to try to kill some people. And I think I'm okay with that."

And then I went into another ten minute talk spiral about is that me, Earth me, my body, simply the way of life on Putijama, and on and on. I looked over and Steve was asleep once more, his back to me.

"Yeah, good point. No use trying to run down and figure out every contingency now. But I have to steel myself for it. Those decisions are coming. I killed someone already but it was me or them in that moment. I'll have to decide, and soon, if I'm prepared to kill to prevent harm. And I probably am…"

Glancing in the mirror, I was expecting to see some kind of troubled look on my face but all I saw was resolve.

"Great, now I have to decide what level of retribution I want for the other crap… Maybe we call it something else? Retribution sounds like I am going too dark, gotta keep a balance. No pushover but also not murderhobo…"

I marked down in my notes app to find someone else, maybe a group of people, to check in with a bit more often.

They really need therapists here or something? Though I don't think you could ask a therapist on Earth if you should murder someone.

I chuckled darkly at the thought.

"Okay, net net, I need to be pushing back more when people pull shit but also think it's smart to get a bit more backing first. You don't go only offensive, that's why I have a shield after all. Probably too late here for this trip but it'll be a new condition of doing these delving trips on behalf of cities: set up meetings with local Councilors and other important people. Ugh, I think that means patching things up with Katarina and some other Councilors in Velez…" I groaned loudly.

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The grumpy noise caused my bond to stir. He seemed to realize there was still some food in the room, sniffing in his sleep before his eyes shot open. He ran at the small pile I had kept on the table for myself but had just moved to rest on the bed.

I went down the rest of my mental checklist, mostly pushing for a few more breaks between trips like the one I was on as I hardly had any downtime, preparing for the shenanigans Gabor was sure to try to initiate on sneaking into Zalano to find more info on my assassination attempt – the first one; man, that is so weird to say… – and some updates to my training needs and general fighting kit.

[Task added: Get full list of spells available and price]

When I started to talk about being carried through rifts, I hemmed and hawed about not loving it but honestly, if it meant life was better for more of the people around me, that was a good enough reason to keep doing it.

Being carried meant more rifts were safe for more people quicker. It was the right call even if it did feel a bit – I wasn't sure if emasculating was the right word but it had to do for then – to just stand there and do nothing.

I also sent the money owed to Nikolaj – redirecting what the Struva council owed me – for our initial investments in getting our debit card prototype finished. 22.5 gold out the door.

Lastly I spent a few minutes trying to figure out how I'd renegotiate the contract with the rest of my delving team – knowing I'd have to sit down with Vidas to do it – about the new type of delve. It didn't make sense for the team to get 60% of the value for a delve where they literally sat outside the entire time but it also wasn't fair to get nothing for a few reasons, at least in my mind.

I thought I could probably take 100% share but it wouldn't show the genuine appreciation I had for the team, excluding Vidas of course.

I waffled, finally putting out two hands for Steve to select from as what I'd offer. One was 10% and the other was 20%. I thought the 10% felt a bit like a slap in the face but it still gave them money for doing nothing other than waiting outside a rift for a few hours.

Steve tried to grab both treats at once but I think he sensed through our bond which one I was leaning towards and picked the 20%. I quickly followed up with the food from the other hand and then gave him a quick snuggling session before finishing my AAI updates and going to sleep.

***

"New look," Romie said as I approached the table where the rest of my delve team sat.

I looked around and then pointed at myself, confused.

"Terry, your hair is bright pink," Pavel said. "That is new unless I am even more unobservant of hair and fashion than Inara claims."

His fiancée elbowed him in the side to his chuckles.

I groaned. "I met a merchant who said they could fix my hair problem – my scalp has some kind of enchantment on it to keep my hair as is. So I put on the elixir they sent over this morning. If it was a prank, it's kind of a stupid one… I can just shave it off and I won't really be pleased with him."

"Boo, I like it. It's festive!" Inara said loudly, drawing attention to us. A few people gave me funny looks but most seemed to just gloss over it.

I guess I have seen a few other colors of hair here than on Earth and some seem natural?

"Anyway, here's the itinerary for the day," Pavel said, sending over our delve schedule.

We had four total rifts for the day with the third rift needing two consecutive delves. We could choose not to do the last, per our contract, if we wanted.

The first rift was a repeat delve of the giant tortoise rift had been carried through the day before. While it would be harder for my team than the specialized group, it still needed doing and was good training.

The second delve was a carry, doing the rock golem rift again to get its essence down enough to be safe for a broader group of delvers.

After that, we had an incredibly interesting rift but not a challenging one. I was there to only essence filter for a living forest delve.

To 'win', people had to kill all the trees in the rift. While it wasn't hard, the big issue was economics. No higher-Tier delvers were willing to go in for the pittance offered and the laborers sent in to chop down the trees – the wood was incredibly useful to the local economy if not all that valuable if sold – couldn't handle almost any null essence. So, I would actually run it back-to-back with a group of 100 loggers.

My job was to stand around while 100 people did all the work. While the rift rarely gave a good reward, getting the null essence levels down to where the laborers could do it without me was still something the less fortunate in the area needed done.

The final delve was set to be pretty uninteresting. Inara called it 'a standard-ass rift' with the enemies being bears with no extra bells and whistles. The rift boss was just a slightly bigger bear.

After going through the itinerary together as well as our team strategy for the first rift, Pavel sent me the updated value for the 73 bolts of cloth we'd received in the fourth rift of the previous day; they went for seven silvers each, netting us about two and half gold after taxes with one gold to me – and to Steve, he helpfully reminded me from my shoulder with a bat to the ear.

Pavel also had an appraisal on the null-affinity essence stone at eight gold. I had a ROFR – right of first refusal – meaning I could buy it at the appraised price before anyone else. I quickly did so, bringing me back to relatively low in the personal funds department again.

The previous night I paid off the 22.5 gold I owed Nikolaj for 50% of the debit card software and prototype development costs. My cut of the delving over the previous two days was 30.5 – pending the sale of what Inara was calling 'the poopless wonder' natural treasure – so that exact same amount flowing out was painful.

Need to build up that nest egg. Can't be playing things so close. What if I get hurt and need healing, will I ever get out of the debt?

As my mind raced with worry, so did the team towards the first rift of the day.

***

We met the city official at the rift distortion, grabbed the multitude of spatial bags from them for the giant tortoise corpses, and headed in.

The general strategy for fighting the tortoises – if you didn't have a series of spells and fighting styles that rendered them essentially useless – was to distract the head while immobilizing the feet and then crack the shells from behind. It wasn't as easy as it sounded: the jaws could easily crush through most Tier 1 mundane armor and their heads somehow didn't entirely obey physics, able to change direction much more quickly than should be possible, like they had multiple hinges in their necks.

With dual enchanted shield wielders between Pavel and I, plus Inara's spell [Restricting Vines], we had a relatively good strategy. Romie would open up with some arrow shots – though the chance of getting a hit was low as the monsters moved their heads around seemingly randomly and had a thick membrane they deployed over their eyes once they sensed danger – and then either Pavel or I would distract the head, defending for our lives.

Meanwhile, the rest of the team would move to disable their legs. Once they were immobile, they were easy to kill, even if it took a lot of effort to do so.

Pavel's first time on defense went great.

Mine did not.

The rift could take a few forms but today's featured an endless series of deep ponds within a lush forest, the roots and trunks alike hiding what could be around the corner. The tortoises were spread throughout, often in the ponds themselves but also camouflaged well to match the moss-covered bark of the trees. While it wasn't the most effective at hiding them, you could miss one if you weren't looking.

It started out well enough as the massive rift beast rose from a pond after a I threw a rock in. Though Romie's shot plunked harmlessly off its eye membrane, the beast's surprisingly fast charge was slowed by my positioning, a pair of trees blocking its way, and Inara's cast of [Restricting Vines].

Lowering its head and letting out a surprisingly high pitched yell, the tortoise impacted my shield with a huge amount of force. The root I was using to brace myself snapped, causing me to fall backwards as the tortoise again tried to use its massive, sharp-beaked face to create a new hole or two in my body.

I rolled out of the way as best I could, calling for backup.

Pavel and Inara were out of position, as the two trees I so cleverly positioned to slow the tortoise down were now blocking their way to get to me quickly.

I'm on my own for now. What do I need to do?

Usually, I'd go for the hard hit but it felt like the wrong call. My shield was just to my left so I quickly half rolled to my right in a feint, eliciting a smashing strike from the beast's sharp beak like I wanted as I rolled back the other way towards my shield.

Order of operations has to be perfect here.

I threw, spun, kicked, then kipped.

The thick glob of mud stuck to the monster's eye membrane with a splorch. While out of its sight, I spun my left leg under my shield, flinging it into the air with a kick, then kipped up myself to regain my footing and catching the shield.

I wanted to bask in my action hero moment. I'll do that later.

I couldn't sling the shield on my arm in time for a proper block so I merely grabbed the sides and put my body behind my trusty protection as another beak slam rained down on me.

FUCK, that hurt.

While it didn't break anything, it sure bruised everything.

The beast bellowed an angry cry as Pavel rushed in to add his shield to the mix. I recovered enough to see him bait a strike with his spear.

I quickly drew my morningstar and, once the head recoiled slightly from hitting Pavel's shield, I smashed as hard as I could onto its skull. The heaviness enchantment added just that much extra oomph and I heard a sharp crack.

The eyes, those furious eyes, slowly faded to glassy as it died.

"Damn! Nice shot! Could have just done that the first time and saved us the trouble," Inara snarked as she brushed some dirt and debris off my back.

"Har, har. Thanks for the save Pavel. Maybe trapping off my backup isn't a great idea…"

"So, uh, want to tell us what happened?" Pavel asked tentatively.

"Relied on a root, like the guides said, for leverage. It snapped," I replied simply.

"Oof, yeah. You did a great job to recover then, these things are no joke. Maybe I should just take head duty for the rest of the rift?" Pavel suggested. At seeing Inara's face, he softly continued, "Not the time for a saucy joke."

She battled her face back to being serious. "Yeah, fair. I guess it's time to circle up and reevaluate strategy."

After a fifteen minute discussion, we basically decided to continue as we were, though with a bit more thought around specific backup. It was a freak accident and I responded well but felt like a dumb risk to continue exactly as we were.

The final fight was a lot tougher than any of the others but it was on root-covered stone in a large plaza surrounded by crumbling pillars, making footing far more sure.

The rift boss' command of wind magic was actually a detriment to itself in our battle. Romie was able to keep it distracted with arrows that it pushed away, lest one be magical and land. With one teammate always occupying at least part of its focus, we had a nice advantage.

The water spouts the rift boss shot from its front feet were strong but more served to wash the muck off me than do any damage.

Pavel and I tried to keep its head busy while Inara slowly – oh so slowly – whittled down its back legs. Once it was far less able to use its devastating stomp attack given the back legs couldn't support its weight, we started to work on one front leg at a time.

Down to a single working leg, we battled back and forth blocking hits but not doing much damage to weaken its body ourselves.

"Terry, blow out the butthole!" Inara finally yelled, taking on distracting if not damaging duty with her betrothed.

I ran around and started to absolutely smash near its tail, repeatedly using the heaviness enchantment to crack the back of its shell and slowly try to make it bleed to death from behind.

Luckily, it was only about 30 seconds before I heard a piteous moan and saw it stop moving. I swung twice more for good measure before I felt the swell of essence – always finish the job.

Coming around to the front, Pavel looked to his wife-to-be who gave him puppy dog eyes. He relented quickly. "Okay, now is the time for bad jokes."

She fired fifteen off over the next few minutes, some about my earlier escape but most related to butts, as we cleaned up and headed for the rift exit.

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