"It's too hot," Sammy said. He lay back, his body bent over the edge of the wagon, as though he were melting right then and there.

"Wayne could use his Naughty/Nice ability again," Margo said, "Give you a more breathable outfit."

"No! We don't need to do that."

Wayne sighed. "I said I wouldn't use it again."

"Trust is difficult to build but so easily destroyed," Fergus said.

In Wayne's defense, this particular ability was unlike any other he had unlocked with his Christmas List ability. This particular unlock came from the point and click adventure Spellcasting 101: Sorcerers Get All the Girls, and the system attached the following description:

Naughty/Nice Mode - With its obvious satirical content, the game is intended for the amusement of adults or at least those old enough to see an R-rated movie (or sneak into one). It contains language and a general attitude that may offend some. It is recommended that these people buy the game, and then throw it away in a form of protest.

Like most of Wayne's abilities, the description wasn't terribly helpful. So, to help pass the time on their way to their next adventure, Wayne flipped into Naughty Mode to see what would happen.

The consequences were immediate, instantly changing the outfits of almost everyone in the party.

Fergus wore a cheerleading top and skirt.

Margo wore a plumber's jumpsuit and carried a wrench.

Hector wore a strap-laden gimp suit (mouth zipper closed).

Armond wore a nurse's uniform with an unnecessarily large red cross symbol.

Vanilli was unaffected, likely because his Disguise magic overrode any other attempts to change his appearance, but Sammy was not so lucky.

Poor Sammy was stuck in a dryer. Dryers didn't exist in this world, so all he knew was that he was suddenly headfirst in a box and couldn't escape.

Wayne reverted to Nice Mode almost immediately, but no one was particularly happy about the surprise switch. Wayne's explaining that they were all dressed as adult video cliches from his world didn't help.

Having no desire to relive the debacle, Wayne attempted to get the conversation back on track. "Sorry about the heat, Sammy."

"I like it," Vanilli said.

Sammy rolled his eyes. "Of course you like it."

The rest of the party, Wayne and the Zeroes, didn't feel the slightest bit of discomfort despite the oppressing sun beating down on them. Fighting through the Cuts earned each of the zeroes Smart Suit from Buck Rogers. That upgrade made harsh environments trivial:

Smart Suit – Incorporates internal circuitry and microcomputers for climate control, defense, and communications. The smart suits purchased by team members include contained atmosphere spacesuit capabilities.

Hector's version of the unlock came with an armor buff, which was appropriate for the party tank.

Wayne didn't have Smart Suit, but he had unlocked an upgrade called Ice Combat Suit from ESWAT earlier in his adventure, giving him the same advantages as Smart Suit did for the Zeros.

Sammy and Vanilli, however, were not plugged into the system, so they had no such protections. Sometime between the city of Iomallach and the town of Maliit, the heat of the Bata Desert blew down the road, even though the desert itself was still some distance away. That problem only worsened–for Sammy and Vanilli-the nearer they got to Maliit, a small town that served as a rest stop for merchants traveling between the cities of Iomallach and Bata, a massive port town.

"As soon as we get an inn room, we'll set up a Quick Gate," Fergus said. "You won't find anything near as cool in town. I'm certain of that."

"Yes, please," Sammy said.

Quick Gates were the party's shorthand for a Railroad Tycoon exploit the party used to create a fast travel system. Their train system, which existed in another dimension, allowed the party to expand the train with cars of various types, one of which was Goods Storage. Each Goods Storage car got its own gate, so Wayne could pick a place, set a gate to that Goods Storage car, and leave it open indefinitely.

Presently, they had such Quick Gates in Iomallach and then in the city of Vientuls. They could ride the train all the way to Mudsville as well if they ever got the craving for grilled frog, but Mudsville only had a Station Gate, not a Goods Storage gate. The former was far easier to secure than the latter, so the party was careful about Quick Gate placement lest their entire train get robbed.

They owned the buildings for the Iomallach and Vientuls gates. Presently, Kenny used the Iomallach building as a workshop for her fighter plane project, and Tulip, the lost lover of the famed Laszlo the Paladin, lived on top of the other. Neither were guardians per se, especially Tulip, because she was quite old, but Wayne felt better knowing that friends were watching.

Giving Tulip a comfier lifestyle had the added benefit of keeping the party in the good graces of Luke, the son she had with Laszlo. Luke got access to his father's system profile and was now traveling the world with Perris the elf to try and locate his father.

"That looks like Maliit," Wayne said from the back of Outlawson, the giant wagon-pulling bug. "Be right back."

Wayne used his Blitz ability to rapid-dash through the sky to reach the front gate in advance of Outlawson. The first sighting of the colossal bug crawling toward a town could be upsetting for unsuspecting townsfolk.

A fortification of baked clay surrounded the town. The tan walls crumbled and cracked, revealing years of disrepair. The worst sections had been haphazardly repaired with mortar and mismatched stones or plugged up with plain old wood. From a distance, the stark changes in materials made the wall look spotted.

No structure within the town was over three stories tall, with most having only one. Several buildings were constructed using the same materials as the wall, giving much of the town the sun-baked aesthetic of Spain or Mexico. Newer structures were built from wood, suggesting that locals abandoned the desert-ready benefits of mud and clay for the convenience of wood and nails. Most of those were in relatively good condition, considering.

Wayne waved at the guards as he approached the gate. Only partway into his explanation of what Outlawson looked like, one of the two guards at the gate interrupted him.

"You lot the Zeroes?"

"...Yes," Wayne replied.

"Yeah, we heard of you. The bug thing is for real, huh?"

"It is indeed."

The guard who hadn't yet spoken laughed while the first guard frowned and dug into his pocket for a coin.

"I bet that it wasn't real," he said when he turned back to Wayne. "Appreciate you coming ahead, but we're ready to receive you."

"All clear," Wayne said telepathically with the Voice ability.

"On our way," Armond replied.

Maliit was a sizeable town. Still much smaller than a city like Cuan or even Teagaisg, Maliit was active but didn't have many reasons for people to stay permanently. It wasn't a port town like Cuan or Bata, and the land around their town was too sunbaked for farming to be worthwhile. Until relatively recently, the orc tribes native to the Bata Desert frequently raided merchant caravans and kidnapped townsfolk who strayed too far from the town walls.

The desert orcs, or "dorcs" as the locals called them, united for an unknown reason and declared the desert their domain. If humans stayed out of the desert, orcs wouldn't bother them.

The Zeroes would not be staying out of the desert.

Sheeri hired Wayne's party to search for an unused Earth Temple that the first dwarves started but abandoned. What was supposed to be the Water Temple was a development disaster, so it was drained and turned into the Earth Temple. The dwarves hustled together a replacement Water Temple and put it outside of Cuan. That left the original Earth Temple with no real purpose, so the dwarves buried it in the desert.

Or that was the working theory.

In the comfort of Wayne's train car, a sparsely decorated cabin with a bed, a plain wooden desk, and a few fluffy chairs, Wayne and Fergus sat down to review their research plan.

"I'm sick of reading it too," Fergus said, "but it would be wise to refresh ourselves before we begin."

Their primary clue was a short poem that read:

Even in death, a king watches his kingdom

Even in peace, a warrior carries his sword

Even in silence, a bard hears music

They believed each line was a riddle whose solution would lead them to all the pieces of the Earth Sigil. That Earth Sigil would then enable them to locate the temple and begin the excavation.

"I think the first line is still our best lead," Fergus continued. "The legend about the lost elven kingdom might be rubbish, but it's the most concrete connection we have."

"Agreed. If this follows game logic, solving one riddle should help with the others."

"That would be nice. A library stop is simple enough to get us going."

"I'd like to find a guide as well," Wayne added. "We're not really in danger of getting lost, but someone local might have ideas for where to look. The desert is kind of big."

"It's a shame we can't give out Smart Suits."

"Especially for the horses. Or camels. Or whatever we rent."

"What do we need those for?" Fergus asked.

"I'm not optimistic about the wagon getting through sand."

"Ah. So library, guide, transportation, travel supplies… Seems manageable."

"And find Kryss," Wayne added.

"Right. Her and her dig team. Might be some local knowledge mixed in there too, come to think of it."

"Good point." Wayne made a note to conduct those interviews and reviewed his list. "How do you feel about aiming to depart in seven days? Get our research in, give Armond time to run a few clinic shifts, and enjoy some of the sights in between."

"Do you intend to level grind in that time as well? I wouldn't mind the experience points myself."

"I know I should, but I am so sick of weak ass encounters. We're over-leveled for anything around here."

Wayne opened his Diary of the Gods to review his stats:

Hero: Wayne the Guy

Level: 24

HP: 343/343

STR: 41

AGI: 32

VIT: 24

LCK: 38

Then he scrolled through his long list of unlocked games and abilities, trying his best to remember what each did and when it would be useful:

Crystalis - (6/6)

Ultima III: Exodus - (6/6)

Pirates! - (6/6)

Railroad Tycoon - (6/6)

Lightspeed - (6/6)

Spellcasting 101 - (6/6)

Cyberball - (6/6)

After Burner II - (6/6)

Super Monaco GP - (6/6)

ESWAT - (6/6)

Phantasy Star II - (6/6)

Pat Riley Basketball - (4/6)

It Came from the Desert (5/6)

Tunnels & Trolls (4/6)

This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.

LHX Attack Chopper (3/6)

Chessmaster 2100 (2/6)

Centurion (5/6)

Wolfpack (4/6)

Buck Rogers (2/6)

Golden Axe (2/6)

The Secret of Monkey Island (2/6)

Splatterhouse (1/6)

Oddworld: Abe's Exodus (2/6)

Ninja Spirit (2/6)

Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing (2/6)

Devil's Crush (1/6)

Bloody Wolf (1/6)

Sports TV Football (1/6)

Ultima VI (1/6)

Professional Write (1/1)

Quicken (1/1)

Four Score (1/1)

Pictionary (1/1)

Kaboom JVC Stereo (1/1)

Stunts (1/1)

The Games People Play (1/1)

Days of Thunder (1/1)

Onetime Bonuses

Power Ring from Crystalis

Warrior Ring from Crystalis

Medicine from Pirates!

Ice Combat Suit from ESWAT

Ezra's Mana Well Necklace (Wearable Item)

Ice Combat Suit from ESWAT

Accelerator from Lightspeed

Wing Type 1, Heaviest from Super Monaco GP

Linkage from Lightspeed

Super from Eswat

Wheelchairs from It Came from the Desert

Charisma from Centurion

Deo's Pendant from Crystalis

Life Up from ESWAT

Laconia Cape from Phantasy Star II

7 Speed Transmission from Super Monaco GP

Relentless from Wolfpack

QWERTY from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing

Way of the Avatar from Ultima VI

Spells

Repel from Ultima II: Exodus

Missile from Ultima III: Exodus

Light from Ultima III: Exodus

Rise from Ultima III: Exodus

Nee from Spellcasting 101

Urg from Spellcasting 101

Open from Ultima III: Exodus

Defense from Phantasy Star II

Fanbi from Phantasy Star II

Hrglut from Spellcasting 101

Dum Dum from Tunnels & Trolls

Wufbam from Spellcasting 101

Fire Extinguisher from It Came from the Desert

Sak from Phantasy Star II

Wink-Wing from Tunnels and Trolls

Dynamite from It Came from the Desert

Upsidaisy from Tunnels and Trolls

Tyris-Flare Fire Magic (3 Pots) from Golden Axe

Maruera Gum from Phantasy Star II

En Passant from Chessmaster 2100

Slyway Robber from Tunnels & Trolls

Insult Duel from The Secret of Monkey Island

Righteous Cloud from Ninja Spirit

Gra from Phantasy Star II

Home Row from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing

Launch Ball from Devil's Crush

Swirling Leaf from Ninja Spirit

Active Skills

Sword of Water from Crystalis

Fire a Broadside from Pirates!

Blitz from Cyberball

Skycat F-14XX from After Burner II

Brake from Super Monaco GP

Easy Out from Cyberball

Linebacker from Cyberball

Castling from Chessmaster 2100

Fire from ESWAT

Super from ESWAT

Running Back from Cyberball

Skulduggery from Centurion

Two by Four from Splatterhouse

Burner Max from ESWAT

Chicken from It Came from the Desert

Fart from Abe's Exodus

Incoming from Cyberball

Quarterback from Cyberball

SoulStorm™ Brew Dispenser from Abe's Exodus

Lightning-Quick Steal from Pat Riley Basketball

Flag Girl from Super Monaco GP

Passive Skills

Fencing from Pirates!

Personal Foul from Pat Riley Basketball

Morale from Pirates!

Missile from After Burner II

Auto-Target from After Burner II

Mark of Fire from Ultima III

Gunnery from Pirates!

Super Soft Tires from Super Monaco GP

Ferryboats from Railroad Tycoon

Flame Bracelet from Crystalis

Charisma from Centurion

Blocking a Dunk from Pat Riley Basketball

Defensive Screens from Lightspeed

Station Improvement, Maintenance Shop from Railroad Tycoon

Roll from After Burner II

Maruera Gum from Phantasy Star II

Firenze V12 from Super Monaco GP

Strengthen Legion from Centurion

Metox Indicator from Wolfpack

Enlist and Equip a New Pilot from LHX Attack Chopper

Elves from Golden Axe

Super-Sophisticated Battle Computer from After Burner II

Fins from Bloody Wolf

Strength from Sports TV Football

Chemical Spray from It Came From the Desert

Faciones from Centurion

Warning Radar Receiver from LHX Chopter (replaced Probe from Lightspeed)

Repeater Telegraph from Wolfpack

Utility Skills

Goods Storage from Railroad Tycoon

Resource Values from Lightspeed

Cold Goods Storage from Railroad Tycoon

Insect Flute from Crystalis

Investment Account from Quicken

Voice from Centurion

Periscope from Wolfpack

Camera from LHX Attack Chopper

Replay Camera from Stunts

Jury Rig from Buck Rogers

Commo Operation from Buck Rogers

Microwave Stations from After Burner II

Train Roster from Railroad Tycoon

Display

Regional Display from Railroad Tycoon

Crosshairs from Lightspeed

Navigation from Pirates!

Documents from Professional Write & Professional File

Party from Four Score

Altimeter from LHX Chopper

Let's Draw a Picture from Pictionary

BGM Switch from Pat Riley Basketball

Random from Kaboom JVC Stereo

No Collisions Mode from Railroad Tycoon

Board Styles from The Games People Play

Emverdoo from Spellcasting 101

Naughty/Nice Mode from Spellcasting 101

Train Cars

4-6-2 Pacific Engine

Lobby Car (Board Entrance)

Wayne's Car

Fergus's Car

Hector's Car

Armond's Car

Margo's Car

Sammy's Car

Vanilli's Car

Passenger Car (Armond's Clinic)

Goods Storage (Iomallach Gate)

Goods Storage (Vientuls Gate)

Goods Storage (Maliit Gate)

Restaurant Car - Wine

Restaurant Car - Dining

Restaurant Car - Kitchen

Restaurant Cold Goods Storage

Goods Storage (Library)

Cold Goods Storage (Vanilli's Workshop)

Goods Cargo (Wagon Storage)

Christ, that was a hell of a character sheet. For how elaborate it looked, Wayne's preferred fighting style was essentially a dexxer build but with access to some unusual abilities. He moved fast and attacked often, relying extensively on Blitz–a forward dash attack–and Easy Out–a shorter backward dash. From there, he layered in summons and incorporated a few spells.

The most unusual aspects of his combat style came from relatively recent unlocks. Soulstorm™ Brew from Odd World: Abe's Exodus allowed him to possess enemies with his farts. He got to fly a fighter plane thanks to that one, checking off a childhood dream born from endless Top Gun reruns.

Flag Girl from Super Monaco GP forced a countdown at the start of a battle, giving Wayne and his party a preparation round, essentially. That time freeze saved them from Backstab damage in the Earth Temple, and even in non-dire scenarios, the extra time to plan made every fight a little bit easier.

Launch Ball from Devil's Crush sent a giant pinball into the battle. If Wayne and his party kept it from falling off of the "table," which was really just an arbitrary room orientation based on where the battle started, they received greater and greater buffs. While more buffs were always welcome, keeping tabs on the pinball's location was like having a whole other enemy to manage. Wayne wasn't sold on its utility just yet.

That was not the case with Homerow from Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing. With a simple mental activation, the entire party reset to where the battle started. What Wayne thought would be an emergency measure–yanking an ally out of danger with an instant teleport–turned into a major strategic tool. The whole of the party became more mobile with Homerow in the mix, giving the Zeroes a new way to control a battlefield that monsters couldn't replicate. In the battle of Iomallach, that meant an easy way to escape an exposed position at the top of a four-story plaster penis.

He flipped back to his status menu, imagining how great it would be if the glitched artifacts plaguing his system suddenly allowed him to read his XP progress.

Maybe it was a blessing that he couldn't.

As a kid grinding RPGs, Wayne often found himself being obsessive about checking that progress, to the point that he sometimes did it after every battle. That was wholly unnecessary–he could do the basic math to calculate how close a new batch of XP moved him to his goal–but he had to look anyway.

"I know we should grind," Wayne groaned. "More stuff and more levels is better for us. Please make me."

The pair descended into silence for several minutes.

"Hey," Wayne said.

Fergus jumped a little bit. He too had gotten absorbed in his system menus and lost track of the world around him.

"I forgot I had the Digmaster ability. We need to test that, and we should also check around about ratmen rumors."

"Did you bury the ratmen bit so you could skip over it? I had hoped our days of civil service were behind us," Fergus replied.

"They're after the same stuff we are, and they're better at it. Looking into their movements is good for our work."

The old scholar narrowed his eyes.

Wayne held up his hands. "No more governors or mayors or generals. I promise. We'll help if we're needed, but we aren't on a crusade."

Fergus relaxed slightly. "You're right about Digmaster. We do need to test it, given our future in excavation."

"Alright, so the list is: go to the library, find a local guide, arrange transportation, confirm travel supplies, find Kryss, grind some levels, test Digmaster, and avoid local government."

"Oh, Wayne," Fergus said abruptly, dropping his head. "We should ask around about Pages of Power. Add that to the list, and move avoiding local government to priority one."

"Done and done."

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