Countless colors presided at the top of the Great Atmana canopy. Leaves of red, like the blood pumping fast in Tuya's heart. Golden bark, like the rays of light beaming down from the big lightmaker. Flocks of blue, yellow, and green birds, their feathers adorning a young woman's wild garb, flew through a cloudless sky. In this land that was saturated with lively colors, something vast and colorless like the gray drab consciousness of Gurgaldai ezen Celegan would stand out as it stripped away the vivacity of this land and made it hollow.

Riding on the back of the great eagle Batu, Tuya scanned the distance, her eyes limited not by their capabilities but by the planet's shape. They circled and swept the sky for many rapid heartbeats, for countless deep breaths remembered from Zaya, but no gray mass came to steal away the Great Atmana's life. Not yet.

We should still go, Batu thought through the link, his anxiety as prominent as Tuya's own. The evil two-leg may still have sensed you.

He may have, Tuya agreed. But then why didn't he come?

Batu pulsed with the memories of their last time fleeing from Chimaera. Could it be that Gurg had sensed her while she was distracted, and was mobilizing another one of his monsters?

It could, Batu projected. You've learned enough from these two-legs that are sometimes four. You've warned them. You can warn more as we head toward the land of sand.

She could. Batu was right and they both knew it. She had enough Atmana signs to communicate passably well, especially if she augmented that with mental projections. Tuya could scan the forest for Atmana each day then share visions of what came for them. Her total impact would likely be greater the sooner she started and the sooner she made allies in Isihla the sooner she could help Masarga and the other wilders. This was what was best for the most people, what would make pain smallest on the grand scale.

Then why did it feel wrong? Why did it break her heart to consider this course?

Tuya clutched Yaha's pearl as they soared over the river. A wolf that took an arrow for her. A tsonggo that was stolen from their family and made into something wrong. A boar that had everything taken from them. A tsonggo and a bear that would have the same awful things happen to them. Brave Wolf. Fast River Tsonggo. Hungry Hill Boar. Dancing Tsonggo. Running Bear. These five lives couldn't mean more than everyone else in the Great Atmana Forest or the wilders Tuya left behind in the Hollows. Yet, neither could she contemplate leaving them without feeling like she was a worthless failure.

She promised herself to stop Gurg but she couldn't let Smiling Moasi and Mighty Moasi keep doing what they did. She'd never be able to look away if she left now. She couldn't afford another failure. Not when Sarnai was dead and she hadn't even tried to break free from Makhun. Not when Yaha was gone because Tuya wasn't strong enough to stop Gurg. Not when. Not when. Not when.

Batu didn't fight her. Like one of the fish in the river he loved to eat, Batu swam in her currents rather than against. Then let us do this quickly. Enough pretending that we aren't ready.

Tuya transmitted her agreement, her gratitude.

Always, sister. But I'm gonna need to eat fish now.

Smiling, laughing as the wind beat into her face, blowing her long hair at her back, they flew down to the mushroom cave. Batu's clearing made the descent much more pleasant than it used to be to land in the Great Atmana. Instead of being challenging as a day in the Hollows, it was like a day on one of Yaha's beaches. They landed with ease, Tuya vaulting to the ground and dashing through the little waterfall into the cave, eager to let them know what she had done.

Even with eyes that saw into the immediate future and a mind that sensed all the emotion around it, Howler hadn't been prepared for her welcome.

Brave Wolf crashed into her, in their beautiful, beautiful human form, wrapping Howler in their arms. Brave whined, pulsing with the same relief that Tuya may have felt if someone she loved and lost returned to her. She wanted to linger in their arms, to savor the warmth of their touch, but Tuya pulled herself free without any more prompting than Running's growl.

But it wasn't long before Dancing's arms took Brave's place. Tuya's friend gripped her with powerful arms strengthened by endless swinging and climbing, making high-pitched shrieking noises. Here too, she felt the genuine love Dancing felt for her. Tuya realized then that she didn't want to stop being Howler. She could see it in the distance. A happy existence with these two.

Laughing, Tuya let the not-woman hold her without Running's growls there to break them apart. "I did it," Tuya said aloud to Running Bear. "I made a lost Atmana themselves again."

Running Bear frowned. Well, they frowned more deeply. Frowning was something of a natural state for Running. That and scowling. While Running didn't always pulse with drab feelings, Tuya rarely sensed any bright emotion coming from them. But what they emanated now made drab seem bright by contrast. "No," they said. "Once gone. There is no coming back."

Tuya didn't waste words. With her mind, she pushed out the memory of what she had done to restore Hungry Hill Boar to their human form. Brave and Dancing were captivated by the memory of the half-boar becoming full Atmana again, emitting hope and excitement that made Tuya feel like she was a hero in one of Yaha's stories. But Running pulsed with denial, with rage, with agony.

"Stop these lies!" Running screamed.

Tuya twisted toward the old not-woman. Tears filled their eyes. They shook their head, signing, "You will break their hearts. What is lost forever can never be found again."

Tuya tried to make sense of the flurry of signs as Running, Dancing, and Brave all rapidly gestured, like tamers screaming at each other. Tuya didn't make herself small, having long healed those scars. "Stop!" she howled, pulsing the thought out with her mind and flashing her eyes silver.

The three Atmana obeyed, Tuya feeling a sense of power that she didn't like. Like she was Gurg berating wilders.

No, Batu projected. Taking the lead is only bad if you are bad, sister. Be yourself and this is good.

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You are right, she returned. Of course, the big bird had to remind her that it was always so. The two-winged big head that he was.

The three Atmana remained transfixed on her. Wolf pulsed with admiration, Tsonggo with awe, Bear with fear.

"Why do you refuse to see the truth?" Tuya asked Running Bear.

"Because it cannot be true."

Their children gestured, their irritation filling the mushroom cave. Tuya tried to read the signs rather than just feel their emotions and hear their agitated animal noises.

"Howler can save loving!" Wolf said.

"Stop being stupid!" Tsonggo added, gesturing wildly at Running. "Stop running from our loving!"

Running grew dense hair, nose shifting into snout, arms thickening, gaining massive power. They lashed out toward their children with their deadly claws, unleashing a terrifying growl that made even Tuya take a step back and reach for her spear. Tsonggo darted to the far end of the cave, becoming a big orange strong-tail, making themselves small in a way that provoked something in Tuya that had never, and would never, heal.

But Wolf, despite the fear they pulsed, stepped toward their parent, braving the roar and the claws. "Even if it might not work, even if it would hurt to fail, don't you want loving back?"

"Loving is gone!" Bear signed, standing on their hind legs and roaring into their child's face with vicious fangs bared. "Gone! They will never be loving again!"

Loving isn't just a thing they do, Tuya thought.

Loving is Bear's mate, Batu and Tuya realized as one. And the Atmana that fathered Brave and Dancing had lost themselves somewhere along the way.

"You are wrong," Brave signed. "Howler can make them Loving again."

Running Bear became human. Looking wearier and older than ever, they signed, "Loving didn't just lose themselves. They became what they needed to be so that we could run from the giant men. Even if Howler can find those that are lost and make them themselves again, Loving is gone." Running Bear sobbed. "Please, Brave, I need you to stop pretending that they might still be out there. They died so that we could be free. They can't come back." Jaw quivering, Running looked at Tuya. "This conversation is over."

Tuya sensed the pain of the three Atmana in the glow of the mushrooms. She knew this pain well. She only had to go as far as the pearl necklace to reach it, but she could trace it back to Sarnai and Zaya, to her own mother who was never given a chance to be a mother. She wished she could do whatever it took to make their pain smaller, but knew that this was a pain that would forever be large, like a hole in a tree that could never be whole.

Wolf barked, standing their ground. "I'm not giving up on Loving. I won't live out the days they gave me if there is even a small hope they are alive. I will take Howler to Loving. I will bring them back. Or I will return knowing that I didn't run away from helping the person who gave life to me."

Bearing witness to the strength, to the conviction, to the way Brave Wolf glowed in the dark cave with resolve, Tuya felt things she didn't want to admit. Brave would go to the ends of the earth to find those they loved. They would do whatever it took to make their pain smaller. Tuya tried not to love this beautiful not-boy. In this, she failed. She failed horribly. Her heart couldn't be commanded, couldn't be silenced with a projected thought and a flash of silver light. She tried to change this, tried to stifle the feeling, but like themselves, it refused to give up.

She couldn't take her eyes away from them, admiring their bravery, their beauty, their strong, kind, loving heart. She'd fought these feelings long and hard, but Tuya was in love and no spear could strike that feeling down.

Bear sighed, their brown eyes flickering between Tuya and Brave. "You would destroy us," Bear signed. "As soon as they realize Howler is gone, Moasi Clan will take Dancing, and they will kill me. You won't find Loving Wolf. You'd lose us. Then Howler would leave you all alone because they cannot stay."

At this, Brave broke into tears, whining wolfishly. "Then first we will take care of Smiling Moasi."

Running Bear turned their back on the others and lied down in a far corner of the cave. With a weary voice, they said, "Do you know what it is like to have to leave behind the one you love, Howler? Do you understand how much it hurts to be told you could or could have saved them when you know you could not and cannot?"

Tuya squeezed the pearl with all her might. She understood many things, like going back for your loved one even when it meant you risked your own escape, like not terrifying people under your protection 'for their own good.' For once, she would not make pain smaller because sometimes feeling pain could be a teacher and Running needed to learn. Or perhaps Tuya was just petulant, stubborn, and all the things that used to aggravate Yaha. Either way, like Brave, she would stand her ground.

"I know that if there was a chance I could bring them back, even if it was the faintest hope, I would spend my whole life fighting to get them back," Tuya said. "I wouldn't run away. But I suppose you weren't given your name because you stand your ground when things get hard."

"At least I don't offer false light and call it hope."

Tuya bit her lip, stifling something that was stuck between an angry scream and a cry of sorrow.

"Stay outside of my cave today, Howler. And stay away from Brave Wolf. Tomorrow, we will discuss how to defeat the Moasi Clan, and then you will go where you belong. Do you understand?"

"I understand," Tuya said. I understand that you'd rather run from love than face your fears. She met Wolf's gaze, wanting to be near them more than ever just to spite the cowardly bear. Divine Celegana! Their eyes were precious, making things grow inside of Tuya.

Brave signed, their back to Running as the clan leader stared at the cave wall. "After dark. Beneath the big blue light."

Tuya, riled up as she was, didn't have the strength to say no. Besides, she wasn't like Bear. She was done running from love, from what she wanted. Whatever Brave had in mind, her heart would be open.

Tuya nodded. "After dark. Beneath the big blue light."

Wolf smiled. Their tail burst through, wagging with delight. Tuya smiled back, ready to be happy.

You flirt with danger, Batu projected. We take out those stupid purple-furs like we should have from the start, find their dad, and fly away from here.

We don't have to be alone, Tuya thought, picturing Brave with her on the back of the great bird, helping her communicate with the other Atmana as they traveled hundreds of miles south toward Isihla.

She held Wolf's loving gaze, seeing the future that could be. There was no reason they couldn't come with her to her motherland, no reason they couldn't add their brave voice to hers. Tuya could even teach them how to talk. She wouldn't have to sleep alone anymore, didn't have to be cold knowing that warmth was right there with eager arms. Why leave her happiness behind when she left this place? She could bring the place she belonged with her as she flew away.

Batu thrummed with caution, warnings left unshared but felt. Tuya ignored him. Her heart was set. The people she'd lost: Yaha, Darrakh, Sarnai, Zaya, they wouldn't want her to be forever alone just because they were gone. That was what Gurg wanted. And everything Gurg wanted was wrong for her.

Holding her smile, feeling like a wilder sneaking kisses with the gentle tamer, Tuya stepped through the waterfall, signing, "Tonight."

Brave didn't break their gaze, nor did their gorgeous smile leave Tuya's memory when she finally twisted away. Heart pounding fast, feeling like she was wild and free, she set off to retrieve her bow and daydream the evening away until it was time for her to once again feel like she lived a dream.

A dream is all it will be, Batu warned.

For once, Tuya hoped he was wrong.

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