Idiot’s Paradox: A LitRPG Apocalyptic Adventure [Book 1 Complete]

B2 - Chapter 60: A Dung Beetle Rolling Down a Mountain


Logan had only a second to blink in realization before he dragged Voss away from the blob. Dragged him so forcibly that he left the meat tenderizer inside of the fleshy red ooze. Voss' hand and arm left the blob with a slick, squishy plop.

Voss didn't pay attention to Logan, his entire focus on his hand. The skin was hissing, vapors rising. The red ooze clung to it like slime. It was eating into him, dissolving his skin and seeping into the meaty part just like the Cursed Rope.

The red ooze was toxic.

"Shit!" said Logan. Willing out a bucket of water from his spatial storage, he slammed it over the air above Voss' hand, letting it soak him in a deluge. Although it managed to wash away the surface ooze, Voss was still screaming, his face full of agony, his nostrils flaring. His mouth opened, but no words formed.

As Logan watched while wincing in sympathy, whatever had managed to eat into Voss' skin continued to rot away his flesh. Blood and pus seeped from his hand and onto the wet asphalt, plopping like a decomposing roast left to rot in a hundred degrees for a month.

Unlike Logan, Voss didn't have a pain reduction skill, and he wasn't cognizant of anything around him other than his pain.

"Hold on, hold on!" said Charlie as he ran over. "Well, that's a bit of bad luck, mate," he said, peering down at Voss' injured hand. The goo had eaten so deep that white bone showed underneath his flayed fingers.

Charlie tsked, and then took out his knife from his thigh strap. It was huge, at least ten inches long and five inches across. A bush knife. "Best to get it over with then. Move over to this ledge, will you?" he said, gesturing to a marble ledge that jutted out of the nearest building. "It's better to cut against a solid surface."

Voss blinked at Charlie in incomprehension, his eyes glazed. "What…?"

"We have to cut your hand off to stop it from spreading. No sense delaying!"

Voss took one more blink before he jerked away, his eyes bulging. "You're not going to cut off my hand!"

Down the street, Mia had her hands on her hips, and she stared at the scene with a pursed mouth. "Just leave him! There's no reason to cut it off, he can't fight with one arm anyway. He's as good as dead. Wasted space."

Charlie seemed reluctant to put away his knife, as if he'd been relishing the chance, before he shrugged and tucked his knife back into his thigh holster. "Sorry, mate. You heard the lady."

Logan narrowed his eyes. If Mia was a draftee, Charlie seemed awfully familiar with her and agreeable. Logan already knew that she'd leveled up [Identify] to the point where she could see his hidden name. It was possible that she had a class that let her hide her level, trying to make him believe that she was weaker than in reality.

As for Voss, he didn't have [Regenerate] like Logan did to regrow his limbs, but it would be a brutal world if an injury like that was the end of a man. Once he dealt with the blob, there was no reason that Logan couldn't help him. He'd never tried to regrow someone's limbs, but if he could help Tasha and Jack with a zombie infection, surely, he could do something for Voss? What was the point of having [Life Fabricator] if it didn't live up to its name?

"Don't listen to them," he said. "Let me defeat this thing, it'll give you free attributes that you can throw into your constitution stat. And even if that doesn't work, I can help you. Take a deep breath, manage the pain, put your mind elsewhere. This isn't the end. Since this whole Integration shit started, I can't tell you how many times I've despaired and thought I was a goner. Never giving up got me through it. Even in your darkest despair, there's a way out if you grit your teeth and persevere."

"You've never lost a hand!" Voss ground out, but all the same, he took Logan's words to heart. He straightened, biting his lip so hard that a drop of blood welled and trickled down his chin. His chest was moving like a racehorse, sweat trailing down his neck, his skin pale and unhealthy. "I'm not giving up, I'm going to survive this thing if it kills me."

"There you go. Just hold on while…"

The blob had spit out Voss' meat tenderizer the same way it had spit out the streetlight, but this time, it hurtled it like a javelin so forcefully that it slammed against the marble ledge and shattered a chunk, sending shards of stone flying. Within the blob, there was an ominous creaking noise as the plastic underneath its round body compacted and crushed as it leaned forward. Its red insides rippled, bulbous ooze swaying and flexing.

They'd angered the thing.

"Back up," said Logan as he pulled on the back of Voss' shirt and tugged him down the street towards the others.

That creaking continued. As if he were watching in slow motion, the blob tilted towards them, its massive body casting a shadow, and then the tilt turned into a roll. As if a ball was rolling down the street; only, this ball was bigger than a house. Slow at first, and then it built up momentum, its plastic containers crackling and shattering against the pressure of its red oozing body.

Normally, they could dart to the sides and get away, but this thing was so large that it took up the whole street and bashed against the buildings on either side.

Lachlan, Charlie and the others had started running, but Logan and Voss were way too close to outrun the thing, especially considering Voss' injury. He was running at the same time as swaying from side-to-side, waving his injured hand through the air as if the breeze against it provided relief.

"Brace yourself!" Logan shouted, and then grabbed the back of his shirt again as he deployed [Threshold Shift] and took them past the others and a block away from the tumbling monster.

"Duck into that side-alley," said Logan, pushing Voss towards a space between two tall buildings. "I'll come back for you when this is over."

Voss lurched towards the alley, his feet stumbling, before he made his way inside and leaned against the side of the wall, hunching over and panting.

With a blink, Logan deployed [Threshold Shift] and went back to the others, teleporting right past Lachlan, who was running down the street. Lachlan's face was pale and panicked, and he could barely keep up with the others. Mia was laughing as her ponytail bounced behind her, her neck flushed. She glanced behind her at Logan, her eyes alight as if she were having the time of her life.

Logan could admit to amusement and something very like hysterical laughter after being presented with things like the murderous blobs, the ship snail, and the whale, but he didn't think this situation fit the bill.

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The thing was over level 100 and about to crush them to death.

What the fuck.

Letting them power down the street, Logan stood in place and cracked his neck. He had his sword in one hand, his talons formed in the other. His armour was fully deployed, his helmet over his face. Even though the red oozing insides were caustic—either some kind of acid or chemicals—his suit should give him enough protection. Plus, if worse came to worst and it ended up eating through his sandstone, he had [Idiot's Paradox] to help with the pain and [Regenerate] to repair any damage.

Now it was just a matter of fighting this thing. And defeating it.

Logan rolled his shoulders. He could—

"All right there, mate?" asked Jax. He'd turned around and left the others behind to join Logan. He was panting, his large ears flushed red.

"What are you doing here?" asked Logan. "You need to flee with the others."

"Not until I get in a few punches, you hear? Everyone else got a go, like hell will I be the only one who doesn't receive XP." Reaching into his pocket, he took out a pair of work gloves and put them on. They had metal around the knuckles and gleamed in a way that meant they were System sourced.

Taking a few test swings, he punched invisible air. Jax was a twin to Voss, with a buzzcut and wide shoulders and a muscular chest, but he came across as the more arrogant of the two. "Come on, use your teleport mojo like you did with those weaklings and bring me close to it."

Logan shot him an unimpressed look. "No."

"No?" he barked. "What do you mean 'no'?"

"I like Lachlan and Voss. I don't like you."

His face grew even redder. He took a step towards Logan, a vein on his forehead bulging.

Logan became even more unimpressed. Was he about to attack Logan rather than the monster?

But Jax pulled himself back before he took a swing at the air and then took a deep breath, visibly calming himself. "No then? Well, that just means that I'll need to do it myself. You think you're so impressive, Mr. High Level? Well others can do what you do too." He flexed his arm. "How do you think I became level 69? I fought monsters, fuck-knuckle!"

Or he fought people.

Logan gestured with his head at the charging monster. "Be my guest."

Jax gave the massive tumbling blob a look. It was closing in, crushing everything underneath its immense weight, bashing into buildings and garbage cans. It was fifty feet away, and it was rapidly closing. There was a sound like a gale force wind around them, as if the thing were so large it created its own weather.

Jax blinked, and a shiver shuddered through his body, before he puffed his chest and bounced on the balls of his feet. "It's still only a blob," he muttered to himself. "For all its size, it's moving slowly. I should be able to run backwards while hitting it."

Logan raised an eyebrow. After what happened to Voss, he was going to use his fists? He must have confidence in those System gloves. "Well, get to it," said Logan dryly. "I hear a lot of talk and not much action."

Jax gave him a brittle look and snorted. "Shows what you know!" he said, energized again. "Jax is a beast! A beast! Jax is his own monster! Jax can punch anything into next week!" Growling, he took off with his back foot and then ran towards the tumbling monster.

Logan watched in disbelief.

Backing up by jogging backwards, Logan winced as the blob tumbled towards Jax and Jax ran straight at it. It was so huge that it blocked the sun, casting him in darkness, but Logan could still make him out as he rushed at the blob and punched it so hard that the blubber of the red ooze rippled. Jax might have had a reason for his confidence, since unlike Voss, his gloves protected his bare fists.

But that's where his luck ended.

After giving the blob two more punches, Jax skidded backwards and tried to outpace the tumbling ball of ooze, but whatever he'd done had enraged it even more as it picked up the pace.

Jax shouted and pivoted on his feet, turning around so he could run full out, but unlike before where he'd been outpacing a tumbleweed on steroids, now he might as well be trying to outpace a dung beetle rolling a ball down Mt. Everest.

His neck was tight with tension as he sprinted for his life. Jax's biceps bounced up and down, his thigh muscles bulging. But with a last, desperate glance behind him, he wailed, "Oh fuuuuuck!" as the blob swallowed him whole.

Logan's throat grew tight with shock. Most of the plastic had been knocked off the outside of the blob, and now the insides were clear and see-through. Jax was swimming inside of the thing, his mouth gurgling and letting out bubbles, his limbs kicking, his arms swinging. But although he could struggle inside of the blob, it had swallowed him to the point where he'd ended up in the middle of it, and with it being bigger than a house, there was no way he was getting out unless he had a skill like [Threshold Shift].

Not to mention that the ooze was toxic. Forget not being able to breathe; as Logan watched, his face began to dissolve, turning from a grimace of agony into something utterly unrecognizable. It blew away his mouth, ate into his eyes, and then attacked his arms.

Fuck, there was no escaping that.

Logan growled. He was a big believer in karma, and while the world may be better off without Jax, if Logan didn't do something, other people, innocent people could be the victim of this thing.

Making a snap decision, Logan came to a stop and then used his Pink Sock to launch into a jump, his sword in one hand, his talons getting ready to strike. Hurtling through the air, he skimmed over the blob and sliced the top as if he were taking out chunks of Jello.

Red ooze snapped away from the blob, slamming into the side of a building with a spatter of red. Adrenaline surging, Logan let himself drop to the ground behind the thing, and then kicked off with his Pink Sock again to target the back of the monster. His sword carved deep, so deep the hilt stuck out of the surface and the entire blade went inside of the ooze. Moving it through the red goo was like moving it through water.

Water that was like molasses.

His wrist jerked, a jarring jerk, but he used his strength to carve his way through, taking a chunk out that had to weigh five hundred pounds. This time, when the piece separated from the main blob, it didn't shatter, but rather plopped to the ground and landed in a heap.

Hell yeah. Kicking off with his foot with another surge of adrenaline, he used his sword to carve yet another piece. He would carve this fucker like a turkey.

Another.

Another.

Again.

Piece after piece, Logan went to town, until finally he'd sliced a quarter of the massive blob onto the street.

With a creaking sound, the blob paused and then rolled in place like a bowling pin, before it tilted, its roll moving it in the other direction.

Back towards its missing pieces.

Logan peered up at it. Although it didn't have eyes and it had no face, he could swear that it was looking at him. Just his luck that next, the thing would start talking. A talking oozing blob monster was his limit, thank you very much.

Gasping underneath his facemask, his mouth dried as he watched the detached pieces of the blob wiggle, sliming into balls as if they were forming mini blobs. Rolling like basketballs the size of rhinoceroses, they lurched towards the main blob. The oozing blob discarded any plastic clinging to that side of it so that the mini blobs could connect. Then, the oozing pieces merged and became whole once again.

Logan ground his teeth, his frustration surging. All that work had been for nothing. If he sliced off large pieces of this thing, it would reform and merge. How the hell could you defeat something that had regenerating capabilities? Its body was liquid; cut it, and it would just reform like displaced liquid. He could deploy [Life Fabricator], but on a humongous ball of ooze, he was uncertain how to proceed. This was no normal monster.

It was as if he needed to kill it from the inside. Would something like this have a core like a heart? Surely, it couldn't just be one continuous blob of ooze?

Maybe he was thinking of this in the wrong way. What killed a Jello mold? Logan knew the thing wasn't really gelatin, but it was the closest comparison he could come up with. And if instead of gelatin, it was melted plastic, the principles had to be the same.

Heat. Heat would kill this thing. But if he used fire, he needed to melt it from the inside rather than the outside, or its mass would cushion it from the effects.

Logan needed to get to the core of the thing.

But unlike how he moved with [Threshold Shift], he couldn't teleport into something alive, something with mass. That meant that he'd purposely have to let it swallow him the same way it had done with Jax.

Logan held back a snort.

Swallowed by a blob.

Well, it's not like it was any more absurd than any of the other shit he'd had to do in the last two weeks.

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